Buffalo, NY—Benny Bleetner occupies the last bar stool at Molly Maguire’s daily from 4-9pm and recently has stepped up his bullshit game. He had grown tired of all the nonsense political discussion among all the barflys, who expound on the U.S. Bureaucracy one minute, and then wax poetic about epidemiology the next. To lighten the mood, Bleetner, sits with his Genny Draft and Black Velvet, and now just spews an endless array over the top codswallop to his fellow bar patrons.
What separates Bleetner from most is he can reliably back up his bullshit with a source, and his backup of choice is Buffalo Mud—all the mud worth reading. “Most guys just talk shit—I talk shit and then link to a source to back it up,” he said. “Even though the “About” section of the Buffalo Mud clearly states that the publication is fake news/satire, it doesn’t matter; these jamokes buy it.”
The swamp at Buffalo Mud is deep and wide from feckless Democrats attacking worshippers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster—Jerry from Trowbridge sent a strongly worded email to, man who should be running the BINGO tables at church not the U.S. Senate, Chuck Schumer, to stop infringing on religious freedom. The conversation also encompassed an article about Tucker Carlson spending the weekend in 2023 tanning his private areas with Donald Trump Jr. and Don Lemon. The article led to long conversations about tanning increasing virility, if the process led to more action, and a bunch of guys randomly whipping out their scabby, untanned junk.
But Bleetner’s favorite way to engage the Molly’s crowd is to bring controversial South Buffalo legend Jack Conrad and the publisher of Buffalo Mud, P.A. Kane into the mix. Kane is the 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author, and his new novel, Larry Plumb Is Still Here, is off to astonishingly mediocre start.
Long, drawn-out debates have resulted from Conrad’s claim that he, not Bruce Sutter, invented the split-finger fastball during his years at South Park High School. Also a good deal of discussion has revolved around his weekend of binging Mighty Taco, which led to a minor earthquake in West Seneca after Conrad evacuated the toxic materials from his body into the sewer system. Bleetner gets buy-in since everyone in Western New York has had a Mighty Taco incident, and he’s really good at bullshiting about the physics of water flow.
While many doubt that bald motherfucker Kane has the looks or chutzpah to catch the eye of Tiffany Trump, they are nevertheless excited about the remake of the TV show he’s been working on, Baywatch Silver. There has been great debate and disagreement regarding Paulina Porizkova playing the female lead opposite Kane. Other names floated in the bar for the role include Marisa Tomei, Diane Lane and Bleetner’s choice, Susanna Hoffs, the hottest sixty-five year old woman in the world. Naturally, the conversation devolved into a gross discussion about who the guys would still throw it in. Names mentioned include Cher, Helen Marrin, and the new thinner Kathy Bates, who Timmy Timmons from Altruria Street says is still stacked.
There was one unfortunate incident when Bleetner claimed it was possible to launch a bottle rocket from your butthole. This resulted in Larry Largo of Ladner Street burning up both his asshole and his garage.
A regretful Bleetner said, “This bullshit I’m slinging is powerful stuff, and going forward, I’ll be more selective with who I spew it to.”
