Buffalo, NY—This past Monday at 6:16 am a 3.8 magnitude earthquake struck the Indian Church area of West Seneca. People noted the momentary disruption saying it felt like a car crashing into their houses or something slamming into their roofs.
Despite being the strongest recorded earthquake in Western New York in the last forty years no damage was reported. The office of the U.S.Geological Survey traced the origin of the earthquake to the South Buffalo home of Jack Conrad about 1.5 miles from the epicenter.
Scientists from the Geological Survey said the forceful and continuous pressure originating in the outlet valves of Conrad’s home were so dynamic it resulted in the shifting of earthen plates in West Seneca. Conrad did acknowledge that just prior to the earthquake he was on the toilet in the midst of a mass evacuation as the result of a two day Mighty Taco binge.
Recalling the events of that morning later in the week from a barstool at the Blackthorn, Conrad took a big pull on his Guinness and explained he was at home catching up on some “Price Is Right” when he got a Mighty Taco hankering. “Not many people know this but I’m a ‘Price is Right’ expert,” he said. “It’s true, I’m really good, especially at the games ‘Cover Up’ and ‘Cliff Hanger’ and of course the ‘Showcase Showdown.’ I’m always under. I’m pretty good at the ‘$100,000 Pyramid’ too. C’mon give me a clue, I’ll guess that shit right away.”
Reminded we were here to talk about the earthquake Conrad got back on track, “Yeah, yeah—everybody knows I’m a Abbott Texas Hots guy, but like I said for some reason I got this Mighty Taco itch. I had DoorDash deliver a Super Mighty pack at lunchtime, which is four big burritos—hot. But as good as those bad boys are, they never make them hot enough. So I dolled them up with Frank’s Hot Sauce to an atomic, vaporize your G.I. track level—so good. Later, at dinnertime I still had a hankering and got another Super Mighty pack and some other things: chili, nachos, a salad, cookies. I even tried some of that plant-based impossible meat, which was shit compared to a ground up cow.”
Conrad went on explaining the Mighty Taco urge continued the next day when he was watching some vintage Bob Barker “Price Is Right” from the early 90’s on The Game Show Network. “Did you know during ‘Pathfinder’ I guessed the exact price of a 1991 Pontiac Sunbird?—$8,784. It was kind of cheating because I had a ‘91 Sunbird. It was my first brand new ride. I was so smooth in that two-door love machine. I’d cruise down the street playing Jackson Browne’s Greatest Hits and all the girls hanging in front of Abbott Pizza would be checking me out. Those were the days.”
Redirected again, he said, “So I’m downing Mighty Taco stuff all day Sunday watching ‘Price,’ Josh play at ‘Pebble Beach’ and later the ‘Pro Bowl.’ Late in the day I’m feeling all clogged, but just couldn’t turn it over. I was sick all night and couldn’t sleep. I’m tossing and turning when finally at about 5:45am I knew the boom was about to be lowered. I ran to the bathroom like a gazelle. Most people would have been all frantic and been like a jack-ass, but I ran to the bathroom like a gazelle and lowered the boom.
My asshole was like a reverse engineered volcano pouring out molten lava. Luckily I have one of those new fangled quick fill toilets and I was able to flush and flush and flush. When I was done after about ten-minutes smoke filled the bathroom and my ass was like a red hot meat fiddle that just played “Devil Went Down to Georgia” four-hundred tmes. Fifteen minutes later—earthquake.”
Conrad apologized for any confusion or upset he might have caused anyone . . . “because everyone knows I’m a lover, not a fighter.” Still he thought it was pretty cool to be the epicenter of the strongest earthquake in Western New York in forty-years.