Orchard Park, NY—At the beginning of the new-year, Lance Biggers weighed in at a whopping two-hundred-sixty-four pounds. Biggers had been a little soft since falling in love with the buffet line during his dining hall days at Brockport State. But his weight really took a turn toward tubdom at onset of the pandemic when he developed a taste Aldi breakfast sausages, poutine (gravy covered fries), Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccinos from Starbucks and of course his old standby, the Super Mighty Pack.
The resulting weight gain caused Biggers to get all sweaty and red in the face putting on his socks. He would need help getting up from the couch. And, he would become winded walking to the kitchen for another handful of chips. This all caused him to become severely depressed.
Enough was enough and on January 9, 2023 Biggers started a combo keto/intermittent fasting diet. The diet consisted of no carbs or sugar and fasting for eighteen hours between dinner and lunch. The results were immediate. He lost five pounds in just a few days and now five-weeks into the program he’s dropped thirty pounds and is feeling great.
So much so he regrettably posted a shirtless selfie on social media highlighting his recent weight loss. He also accompanied the selfie by calling out several women by name, saying he would be going on a charm offensive and they wouldn’t be able to resist his advances or his new and improved body. Unfortunately, Biggers is still short on charm and several thousand salads from being fit.
Here is some of the reaction from the selfie:
Judy from accounting- “Not if you lost fifty more pounds wrapped yourself in a thousand condoms and won the lottery you dork.”
Gail from the diner- “Hey Lancy baby, in spite of years of chincy fifty-cent tips, yeah, call me. My number is 1-800-GoFuckurselfyoufuckingloser—it’s an international number.”
Jerri from bookclub- “I’m flattered Lance, but you know in bookclub how sometimes a character comes to a gruesome end? Well, I would rather be hacked into a thousand little pieces with a dull machete and then have my bloody remains eaten by buzzards before getting with you and your sloppy little body.”
Jen from UPS- “You know how the package transaction between us, where you look at me like you’re R. Kelly and I’m a teenager, lasts two-seconds? Well it’s not two-seconds for me. From the moment I see your little Star Wars figurines or your Pokémon cards on my truck in the morning I feel this dread and question all my life choices: Why didn’t I study harder in school? Why didn’t I marry for money? Why do I live in a country where I can’t just punch a motherfucker in the face who looks at me with creepy R.Kelly eyes? So, no…just no, you mutant.”
Not only did Biggers regret posting the selfie, he was completely traumatized by the savage rejection. To deal with the pain he got himself a Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino, a large bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and of course, a Super Mighty Pack—extra sour cream.