In The Least Surprising Development Ever, Survey Finds Buffalo City With Most Single Women


Buffalo, NY—In the least surprising development ever, a survey conducted by the Thriving Center of Psychology found Buffalo, New York to have the most single women in the United States. The survey examined the 100 most populous cities in the country and found the 716 centerpiece to have the highest rate of single women in the country. One of he main factors for women remaining unattached is the affordability of the Queen City. More women own homes in Buffalo than men and nationally, it ranked fourth in the top five metro areas for single women homeowners.

Besides the affordable housing and short commute times that provide independence there are other reasons the women of Buffalo are eschewing marrying their fortunes to the men in the area. 

Elisa Elmrich 39, of North Buffalo said she’s been in several relationships but has no interest in marrying any of these schmoes. “All these dumbasses are a trillion dollars in debt from that first stereo they had to have when they were twenty-one, which they put on a Circuit City credit card at 29.99%—hope those Creed tunes were worth it— to the stupid $650 payment they have on their 2017 Chevy Silverado. I’ll hang for a while with these mutants and extract some bodily pleasures but I ain’t into saving a guy who needs a calculator to figure out a 20% tip. Wolves are smarter than these fuckers.”

Shania Schmaltz

Shania Schmaltz 33, of Amherst says, “If I ever get married it’ll be to some desperate for a green card mail order teenage Russian boy who will worship me in a right and proper way. These Buffalo guys are all so damaged from their failed little league careers and live vicariously through Josh Allen and Tage Thompson. They’re so annoying and such babies. Turn the page—you were never more than a second line house league winger and you were a nose-tackle in little loop football because your biggest asset was that you were fat. Time to grow up and be a second rate civil service worker or a manager at Tim Hortons—I might be able to get with one of these freaks if they could at least bring me coffee all the time.”

Judd Hirsh

Tonya Twister 49, of Black Rock said, “It would be great to find a husband, but what all these Buffalo guys want and need is a mother. I mean, I’ve been with a bunch of them and after doing their laundry occasionally, I had to follow some of them into the bathroom to show them the toilet paper and how to use it. Can you imagine instructing a thirty-one year old man how to properly wipe his ass. And don’t get me started about dental care. I was with this one dude who saw me flossing and he was like “Whaddya doin’ with that fishing line?” Too bad, he was cute and nice in a young Judd Hirsh kind of way.”   

Psychologists expect this trend to remain consistent, especially in Buffalo where women are steadily seeing their fortunes rise and the men continue to have the mental and emotional intelligence of eleven-year old boys.