Tucker Carlson Spends Quiet Weekend Tanning Testicles With Don Jr. and Don Lemon


Bryant Pond, Maine—After his abrupt ouster from Fox News at the beginning of the week right wing host Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson is spending a quiet weekend tanning his testicles with Donald Trump Jr. and former CNN host Don Lemon, who was also fired this week.

Don Jr. and Tucker

Though he is known for his overt bro manliness, heavy use of the C-word and being an heir to the Swanson fortune, Tucker nevertheless, found getting sacked from the cable’s top position quite emasculating. So he gathered with his pal Don Jr. to down some Swanson Salisbury Steak Hungry Man dinners and to engage in the testosterone building practice of tanning your balls, which he previously promoted in a Fox streaming special called “The End of Men.”

Don Lemon was invited to this weekend meeting because it was to take place in Maine, where there are literally no black people. And, as we know, nothing is more invigorating to rich, entitled right wingers than disparaging black guys.

Before jumping into the testicle tanning the right wingers slipped away from the pond leaving Don Lemon behind and drove around rural Maine in Tucker’s monster truck where they laughed about sneaking away from the former CNN host and ran Toyota Prius’ off the road. Afterwards they berated the servants who brought them their Hungry Man dinners and complained about woke beer, woke amusement parks and woke candy treats like M & M’s

Then the three men engaged in the testosterone boosting red light therapy—tanning their balls. Lemon was included with the hope that a blast of light would turn him straight. But when a shirtless Tucker and Don Jr. started to touch nipples and giggle during the process, Lemon got out of there saying, “This shit is way too gay for me.”  

Don Lemon

Lemon exited for good the next day when Tucker and Don Jr. started reading passages aloud to each other from the apocalyptic novel, “The Turner Diaries.” In the novel the protagonist Earl Turner takes part in an overthrow of the government and then attempts to kill all the Jews, blacks and liberals. Both men were quite enjoying this fantasy but stopped after a few pages when it became abundantly clear Don Jr. barely knew how to read. 

Besides continuing to tan their balls the two men rounded out the weekend perusing Tucker’s extensive Nazi memorabilia collection, which includes a first edition of Mein Kampf. They also talked about the virtues authoritarian leaders, Vladimir Putin and  Recep Tayyip Erdogan and played the C-word game—you yell out a random woman’s name and make a determination if she is or isn’t a C-word. If she is, you move to the next woman, if she isn’t you must defend your choice. Let’s just say it was a high scoring misogynist all-star game with a total lack of defense.

Tucker said he was feeling rejuvenated after the fun weekend.