World Wants Elon Musk To “Shut The Fuck Up”


Planet Earth—Consensus on any topic among planet Earth’s one-hundred-ninety-five countries is nearly impossible, but there is unanimity when it comes to the world’s richest, and arguably whitest man—a man whiter than even Vladimir Putin—and that man is Elon Musk. And what the world desperately wants is for Musk to “Shut The Fuck Up.” 

For several years Musk, an engineer and entrepreneur, has been getting pretty far ahead of his skies on topics such as pronouns, population, the pandemic, climate change, free speech and a whole host of other things. Most recently he tried to play statesmen, proffering what world watchers called a disastrous plan to settle the war between Russia and Ukraine. He also has taken on the role as right wing nut, spreading misinformation about the attack on Paul Pelosi. 

Worst yet, since his takeover of Twitter, which some say he paid twenty billion too much for, it seems Musk is a constant in everyone’s newsfeed and they want him to shut the fuck up. Instead of endlessly running his mouth, people would like to see him get back to doing sciency stuff rather than being the guy at the end of the bar who has an opinion about everything . 

Here’s some reaction from across the globe regarding Musk’s endless commentary: 

SS Edmund Fitzgerald

May Ellen Hinklebomb, a fertile cashier at the “Dollar General” on Dudley Street in Texarkana, Arkansas said, “My uterus is ready, willing and able to be swelled up with Elon number eleven. I’ll ride your big white ass like it’s the Edmund Fitzgerald just as long as you keep that pie hole zipped.   

Through an interpreter Lu Kim, a starving North Korean miner said, “I give up my one bean a day to get this capitalist dog to shut fuck up.”

Taro McCarron, starter at Honiara Golf Course, Guadalcanal, Solomon Islands. “Sixteen hundred American men lost their lives during World War II defending freedom on this island and now this arrogant tosser goes around like he’s the second coming of Douglas McArthur spinning narratives based on half truths. Stupid fuck is poster boy for Dunning Kruger and should shut the fuck up.”    

Mohulude Moete

Mohulude Moete, a hunter-gatherer in Botswana, Africa pointed to his ass and said the words “Elon Musk” and then held his nose as if fending off some offensive smell. He then proceeded to walk about extending his belly as if he had a big stomach while making facial gestures reminiscent of Musk, “I smart. You knucklehead.”

Mohammed Ahmed, former Egyptian political prisoner said: “In 1986, Hosni Mubarak send me to jails twenty-years for going into streets for higher pay. Please send me back to jails so I no longer listen to insufferable knob, Elon Muck.

Garth Preminger a Kingston, Ontario freelance Zamboni operator said, “Like why do I care what this hoser thinks about anything? Musk should be in a lab coming up with a fusion powered, hands free zamboni so I don’t spill any of my Molson or get any cruller crumbs on the ice while I’m working. C’mon E. stop running your mouth and make this shit happen. This is what you’re good at.”

Musk did not return calls for comment.