Area Woman Promises To Increase Productivity By Appealing Co-workers Primitive Desires


Buffalo, NY—Parkside resident Ariana Mustang is not interested in building her LinkedIn connections or her resume. She doesn’t have career goals or objectives despite being a summa cum laude graduate of Buffalo State with a degree in Business Administration. In fact, she’ll tell you those pursuits are for losers trying to get their illusionary slice of the fake American pie. For a price, however, she’ll take on short term employment with the promise to increase an organization’s productivity and morale.

Though Mustang is competent in the areas of technology, organization and management her biggest asset is her ability to garner attention and create a sense of intrigue. Said Mustang, “I can go into any office, plant, school, hospital, shop or retail location and people, especially dopey white men, are going to look at me and want to please me. I’ll throw out a couple of well placed smiles and maybe accidentally touch one or two of these Elon Musk wannabes under the desk with my stilettos and presto, I can get them to do whatever I want.”

Mustang said attendance, productivity and morale will instantly improve by inserting her into any area of a business whether profitable or unprofitable. It’s not rocket science,” she said. “All I have to do is laugh at one or two of these mutant’s jokes and they’ll instantly think they have a shot at having sex with me. And if I really want to make their short hairs stand at attention, I’ll have a girlfriend drop me off in front of the office or shop and I’ll half-kiss her on the mouth goodbye. The whole place will be abuzz with this little bucking of social convention. From there it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.”

While some female co-workers object to her tactics Mustang says the smart ones watch and ask questions. Part of the message I give these women is that the system is still tilted toward men and they’re not going to cede power to you willingly, even if you’re more talented and smarter. So you have to go for their Achilles heel, which she says . . .” isn’t a heel at all—it’s a little button sized worm between their legs that controls all their functioning.”

Some see Mustang’s practices as unethical but she pushes back saying she’s not responsible for the primitive urges that drive men. “What’s unethical? I’m a nice person. I smile at my co-workers. I laugh at their jokes. It’s not my fault they haven’t evolved beyond fourteen year-old troglodytes.” 

Mustang isn’t looking for any long term employment, preferring these short-term quick hit gigs. “I have no interest in slogging through life playing this game with these sparklefish. How they have any power at all amazes me. Throw out one pouty look and these suckers will do whatever I want. Teaching a puppy to sit with a fistful of treats in hand is harder than manipulating these dipwads.” 

If you wish to contact Mustang for possible employment you can find her on various social media platforms where she may or may not get back to you.