Local Man Asserts Bills Loss First Step Toward Righting The Universe


Buffalo, NY—Many Western New Yorkers woke up Monday morning after the Bills loss to the Jets thinking about resuming that old cigarette habit or just calling off work and binging some Judge Judy. McJerry Ingerfish, however, hopped out of bed feeling great. And the reason for his skippity-doo-dah buoyancy was the Bills loss. 

Ingerfish is of the opinion that if the Bills or Sabres ever win a championship the fabric of Western New York and its people will be irreparably changed for the worse. Thankfully though, Sunday’s loss was a step toward preserving who we are as a community—it was the universe righting itself.

“Let’s face it, ” said Ingerfish, “we are the world’s biggest and most lovable losers. Instead of running away from that, we should embrace it and feel proud. Enough of this trying to rise above our station and be something we’re not. We suck and we should celebrate that. I mean, the Bills are 0-55 in Super Bowls and the Sabres are 0-51 in Stanley Cups. Who sucks like we suck?”

He also noted a few other unique Buffalo attributes: we get nine months of winter, City Hall is a giant phallic symbol and the mom-rock band The Goo Goo Dolls are the biggest act ever to come out of the area, At the other end of Lake Erie in Cleveland: The Raspberries and The Dead Boys, to name just a couple. That kind of futility isn’t just happenstance, it’s who we are, it’s our manifest destiny.

City Hall

Ingerfish believes with Super Bowl or Stanley Cup wins we’ll lose the collective inferiority complex so central to our being. He fears such victories will make Western New Yorkers prideful and self-respecting and will encourage wellness behaviors like: daily flossing for good oral hygiene, mindful meditation for positive mental health and regular checkups for STD’s to remain yeast and HPV free. 

“If this happens all of the sudden rather than breaking tables, swilling Fireball and downing double orders of wings, the 716 will be overrun with a bunch of posers drinking chardonnay, reciting poetry and really meaning it when they shake hands and wish peace to other parishioners in church. Is that who we really want to be?” Ingerfish asked without a hint of irony.

He went on to say he is optimistic that the status quo will prevail. He cited the fact that after the 6-1 start, which saw the Bills at the top of nearly everyone’s power rankings, there are valid concerns regarding the team’s long term chances for success—Josh Allen’s injury and his recent interception problems, there remains no viable receiver outside of Stephon Diggs, suddenly the run defense is porous and there are continuing injury issues team wide. The universe, according to Ingerfish, is righting itself.

With glee he finished, “Buffalo: sucking today, sucking tomorrow, sucking forever.”

The Bills play the 7-1 Minnesota Vikings Sunday at Highmark Stadium in Orchard Park.