Leak Reveals John Bolton’s Intrepid Mustache Planning To Knock Trump Out Presidential Race


Washington D.C.—This week a leak revealed that the intrepid mustache of former National Security Advisor, John Bolton was hatching a plan to knock Donald Trump out of the 2024 presidential race. Bolton, the owner of the intrepid mustache, has been an outspoken critic of Trump since he left the administration in September 2019. He often refers to the 45th president’s management style as “chaos as a way of life.”

Bolton’s Intrepid Mustache

Informed of the plot the oompa loompa-colored former president said, “I can tell you this, I never wanted to hire Bolton or his disgusting low energy mustache. Just like deranged Jack Smith and racist Fanny Willis want to take away my freedom, so does that awful unfair mustache, which a lot of people, quite frankly, are saying is filled with walrus snot. But as we know, these horrible people and these horrible mustaches only want to take away my freedom so they can take away your freedom.”

According to sources the plan hatched by the Ned Flanders like mustache, with the help of Bolton’s equally intrepid eyebrows, was to attach themselves on Trump’s head at his ears, eyes and nose like a sticky immovable centipede and slowly drive him crazy thus rendering him incapacitated and unable to run for office.

Asked for comment the intrepid mustache would neither confirm or deny there was a plot or a plot was imminent, but it did say, “You know it’s very reasonable to think that having a patch of my bodacious stachness aqua netted to someone’s face would drive them a little nuts with Bolton being the exception—on that ancient crotchety grill, I look so sweet. That aside, it’s also reasonable to think that it would drive a big dummy like Trump, who is little more than a 300 lb, 215 lb toddler, absolutely bonkers. Let’s not forget that the vain bloviating combover is quite the germaphobe and he doesn’t like mosquitos—all filthy and furry after a Bolton sneeze he’d be done for.” 


Incredibly enough Trump holds a forty point lead among primary voters for the Republican nomination and is neck and neck with Joe Biden in general election polling. Curling into a big smile the intrepid mustache looking like the biggest pushbroom ever to sit in an aisle at Home Depot chuckled, “Trust that a hairy centipede such as myself at the ears, eyes and nose could finish off this creamsicle manbaby once and for all and end this eight year nightmare. Tell me, what’s the purpose of all this intrepidness, if not that?”  

The process for selecting a Republican candidate for president begins with the  Iowa Caucuses on January 15, 2024.