Pittsford, NY—As we make our way through the dog days of summer the heads of Bills fans are spinning with visions of MVPs, Championships, and Super Bowl parades. News articles, podcasts, hype videos and non-stop coverage by WGR550 provide endless reports on the stout defensive line, the embarrassment of riches at cornerback, the ascendance of James Cook. Then, of course, there’s Josh Allen, the all world quarterback, and let’s face it—the future Mr. Taylor Swift—who indicated this offseason he’s never been as focused on football as he is this year.
While the excitement is real and the team is a legitimate Super Bowl contender, deep down, in the dark recesses of the Bills fans souls, where defeat and disappointment reign supreme, they can’t wait to get past this silly season of expectation and on to the inevitable heartbreak of another year.
Johnny Jamula of Clarence expressed how he can’t help but buy into the Bills at this time of year and then feels like such a fool when the season ultimately goes sideways. “I’m a grown ass man and have been a fan since the early 70’s when Fergy was hanging his head and tight end Ruben Gant—or as we referred to him Ruben Can’t and Never Could was dropping passes all over the field. Yet, here I am like a little old lady watching the shopping network in the middle of the night, buying the hype and all the luxe goat milk body cream and chiffon jackets when I know that nothing penetrates my alligator hide and that I look like a total asshole in sheer chiffon garments. I’m such a sucker. I just hope the Bills put me out of my misery early this year.”
Abdul Ashalayum of Black Rock said he’s very uncomfortable with all the positive feelings he had about the Bills this offseason—especially about general manager Brandon Beane and head coach Sean McDermott. “Right now, I feel the value pickups Beane made in free agency like Poona Ford and Leonard Floyd were genius. And I’m thrilled with this year’s draft class which includes: Dalton Kincaid, O’Cyrus Torrence and Justin Shorter. I’m also excited to have McDermott calling the defense and ramping up the aggressiveness on that side of the ball.
But truthfully, when the season starts to fall apart and Leonard Floyd only has two sacks and the Giants poach Justin Shorter, I’ll destroy Beane for being a dumb shit. I’ll call WGR and ask if there’s any way to hire back his old protégé from the Giants, Joe Schoen. Same with McDermott, once he’s too aggressive with the blitz or not aggressive enough, I’ll be on the horn calling for Leslie Frazier to replace his sorry bald-headed ass. And it will feel so good, so right.
LaMont Leadfoot of South Buffalo is hoping not to face reality of another wasted year with the Bills until the first seven feet of lake effect snow clobbers Buffalo sometime in November. “Last year it was nice to have the delusion that this was our year right up until they barely beat the Lions on Thanksgiving day. The narrow win coupled with the seven feet of lake effect snow the week prior shook me back into place—this is Buffalo, we don’t have nice things like normal weather and Super Bowl parades. We have: snow shoveling heart attacks, playoff losses with 13 seconds left and we’re known for being boring and uninteresting. Still, avoiding reality till then was nice—from there it was a short seven-months to those two glorious months of Buffalo summer.
The Bills start their sixty-third NFL season on September 11th against the New York Jets.