Buffalo, NY—Verizon representative, Timmy Tobars of Ashland Avenue earned a $10K bonus from the cell phone carrier this week for confusing and frustrating the most customers in the third fiscal quarter of 2023. Employing circular language, references to obtuse surcharges, taxes and fees and some good old bullshit, Tobars was able to disorient and piss off almost all of the six-hundred callers he serviced during the quarter without reducing any of those fees and charges. Co-workers and management said it was incredible to witness the tactics and approaches Tobars used to exasperate customers as they sought clarification and relief on their monthly bills.
Tobars demurred when speaking about the bonus, saying it was a total team effort and that he could not have earned the payday without the support of his co-workers, Verizon management and the infuriating customer service experience the carrier provides. “Look, the demoralizing Verizon infrastructure makes my job really easy—from pushing people to useless on-line help centers, to a dizzying array of options, to endless wait times—it’s all set up to vex and confuse people. By the time I pick up on these dipwads, who are often on hold for twenty minutes, they’re so annoyed they’ll believe just about anything you tell them to get off the phone. And many times, they’ll even agree to upgrades.”
“When we listen to his calls during training I think the upgrades he slips in is what’s most impressive,” said co-worker Kelly Kneenocker. “He sets it up by letting customers endure that: Your call is important to us bullshit for twenty-minutes or so. By then they’re exhausted and questioning their will to live. That’s when he picks up and feeds them a whole bunch of garbage about taxes, fees and whatever so that their heads are reeling. But before they hang up, Tobars swoops in and scares the shit out of them with the possibility of incurring the dreaded roaming charges. He’ll make up some bogus numbers about data usage and get them to upgrade to an unlimited plan or sell them our useless “International Plan,” which doesn’t even work in Canada. What he does is so impressive.”
Verizon management sees Tobars as a valuable asset, but for the time being, as he continues to hone his skills, he’ll remain in his current position. At some point though, when he perfects his methods of demoralizing, confusing and frustrating customers, he’ll be elevated to a management position where he can apply those same skills on Verizon staff members.