West Seneca, NY—Growing frustrated at having his eye almost poked out week after week while cutting the grass around the overgrown Rose of Sharon bush in his yard, a voice came into the head of local author P.A. Kane.
It wasn’t the type of voice that prompted him to join a fucking monastery. Nor did it tell him to extoll the virtues of tinned fish. And, it certainly didn’t whisper in his ear to chase the friendly Aldi attendant with the sexy crooked teeth who happily showed him where the packets of taco seasoning were located.
No—as he stood in front of the eye-extracting bush, the voice told him to set aside the stupid yard work, sit at his keyboard in the wee hours of the night, and write a work of devastating power and beauty that would set mankind on a path toward justice, equity, and five percent year-over-year economic growth.
Ruminating for a moment, and not quite understanding the five percent growth part, he felt his soul churn, burn, and finally whirl like a uranium-enriching centrifuge. Raising his arms to the sky, he accepted the challenge and breathlessly yelled: “Justice, Equity, and Five Percent Growth, I am your champion. I am your liberator. I am your salvation.”
Not sure where to begin, Kane started with the easiest part—five percent growth. A quick Google search revealed that during the Kennedy-Johnson administrations in the 1960s, economic growth was 5.2% when the highest marginal tax rate was 70%. Thinking about the 1960s and the marginal tax rate, Kane naturally landed on his own birth in 1961 and his rough and tumble youth growing up on Lockwood Avenue in South Buffalo—the perfect setting for a work of devastating power and beauty.
He would outline the hardships of growing up with nine siblings in a crowded three-bed, one-bath house, with strict Catholic parents. His devout mom was so attuned to him and his depravity that after watching Susan Dey on The Partridge Family, she would slap him on the back of the head and say, “No impure thoughts or touching,” making his incessant carrot polishing doubly foul.
In this work of devastating power and beauty, he would further explain the hardships of growing up in such a family—powdered milk, cold showers, and endless bologna sandwiches—like a million fucking bologna sandwiches. He would share the misery of unrequited high school love—we’re looking at you, the entirety of the female class of 1978 South Park High School. And finally, he would unfurl the confusion and despair of his twenties, which saw him own both a Culture Club and a Duran Duran album at the same time—Oh, the humanity.
But as the years passed, with upgraded resources that included 2% milk, hot water, a variety of sandwich meats, and boundless persistence, Kane found writing and rose to be the 1.5 millionth most popular Amazon author. In his work, he distilled shimmering prose, biting humor, and sex scenes that made everyone’s face flush with excitement and embarrassment. Now, the voice in his head gave him a new assignment—a work of devastating beauty and power, that required him to be more shimmery, to bite harder, and for God’s sake, make the sex scenes extra cringy and raw with lots of milky discharge.
A bit flummoxed on how to realize what the voice in his head asked of him, Kane came to an unsettling conclusion. For instance, when he pursued his Baywatch Silver project, which is now complete and awaiting release, he had to temporarily pause Buffalo Mud. Regrettably, he has come to that conclusion again. To satisfy the voice in his head and for the sake of justice, equity, and five-percent economic growth, he will once again hit the pause button on Buffalo Mud.
Kane isn’t sure how long he’ll be away from Buffalo Mud, but emphasized his leave is temporary and he’ll return as soon as possible to again provide readers with the best in lean, antibiotic-free, environmentally friendly fake news/satire. He is grateful for all the support he has received through the years.
