Buffalo, NY—Are you a stranger in your own life? Are you lacking inspiration? Do you feel like the rug has been pulled out on you by an endless news cycle, social media, or the soft bigotry of overwhelming expectations? If that’s you, wipe that confused look off your stupid face—local author P.A.Kane has a solution.
In one or two thirty-minute sessions, Kane will come to your house and judge your sorry ass. He’ll pinpoint all the dumb shit that has turned you into an inauthentic, robotic douchebag. Once your flaws have been identified and roundly disparaged, just like your dad used to, Kane will set you on a path to be a more viable and interesting person.
The good news is there isn’t some phony book with a seven-point plan, yoga, or podcasts to listen to. And mercifully, there’s no touchy-feely journey of self-discovery, and no bullshit mindfulness practice. It’s just the local author in your home scrutinizing you and your stupid lifestyle.
Here’s how it works: Say, there’s a Ford F-250 Super Duty Tremor, with 37-inch BF Goodrich Mud Terrain tires mounted on 22-inch Fuel Off-Road Maverick wheels in your driveway, and you don’t work in construction. After Kane stops laughing at you and making the universal sign for an itsy bitsy teeny weeny, he’ll remind you that worse than having a miniature penis is being an overcompensating douche with a miniature penis and point you in the direction of a very functional Chevy Colorado.
Then, Amazon’s 1.5 millionth-most-popular author might follow that up by inspecting all the garbage in your streaming services, and ask how you came to have such shitty taste in music, movies/TV? What dark path led you to love Hall & Oats, Supertramp, and fucking Jackson Browne?
He’ll want to know how you became so brain-dead that you find entertainment in these poorly written, mass-produced shows on HBO, like Rooster? You know, the new vomit-inducing release with the formerly funny Steve Carell, playing a successful beach-read writer turned author-in-residence at a posh New England college, where his daughter also teaches, and is going through a divorce after her husband sleeps with a grad student—just like every third episode of Dr.Phil.
In the first episode alone, the daughter burns down a house, Carell turns down sex from a faculty member twenty years his junior, and the dean parades around his office half-naked. In what universe does any of this shit happen? Don’t answer—it’s a rhetorical question because it only happens in the low-frequency studios of HBO, whose job it is to fill queues with half-baked, unrealistic bullshit that makes everyone boring, uninteresting losers. Turn on PBS and watch NOVA or Downton Abbey—something with rich characters who face real-life conflict and struggle.
These are just two examples. But Kane will also judge your diet—Fish oil pills? Eat a piece of salmon, fuckhead; Tattoos—What message are you trying to send with that Tweety bird tat? Duh—I have to have ink because everyone has ink—Duh; Coffee? What are you getting out of a Grande double latte with skim milk and sweetener that can’t be found in a Tim Hortons double double, you disingenuous poser? And much more.
To receive your own personalized judgment from P.A.Kane, please contact him at: buffalomud@gmail.com
