Buffalo, NY—A west-side dispensary with expansion plans is facing controversy and a possible revolt from its forty employees. The loud, obnoxious, over-the-top behavior of a cannabis barista known as Manbun Mark, who sports a gingerlious beard and a quaff of man bun righteousness, has sparked a campaign of head shakes, eye-rolls, and looks of general disbelief among his coworkers at Ivy Weed—the smartest blends and products in the USA.
Given Ivy Weed hopes to attract upscale clientele, Manbun Mark would seem out of place at the dispensary. He folds and unfolds the man bun all through his shifts and constantly shakes out his cascading locks like it’s 1984 and he’s David Lee Roth. On top of that, he’s always soliciting high-fives from customers and, in a jarring Gilbert Gottfried voice, asks: Can you feel me? Then there’s the jokes, and the lame come-ons: Don’t forget to stay high-drated; Just doobie it; Weed look good together.
Though supervisors have asked him to tone it down, Manbun Mark seems to have won the favor with Ivy Weed CEO, Reed Rothchild. Much to the dismay of coworkers, he includes Manbun Mark, like he’s a son, in all planning and strategy meetings, which usually take place over Zoom.
Marketing manager Margret Mankowitz gets annoyed when Rothchild considers Manbun’s unrealistic, budget-busting suggestions about a never-would-happen winter Burning Man at Delaware Park. “He says all this dumb shit about snow artists and winter yoga and then makes these pie-in-the-sky requests about getting Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogan to headline the event. But worse than his dumb ideas is when he unfurls the man bun and starts twirling loose hair in his fingers. I’m not proud of this, but when he twirls, I dream about choking him with his stupid fucking hair.”
“Yes,” said Graphic Designer Daphney Delouise, “I might not go as far as Margret, but I’d like Manbun to go away. I don’t get why Rothchild lets him talk. Last Zoom, he wanted to know if I could design artwork for fake products that we could market to kids—gummies, vapes, and joints like the old fake chewable cigarettes of the sixties. And as he was making his pitch, he kept wrapping and unwrapping his hair around his finger. It was so annoying.”
Information specialist Ian Ivandetti related a story about sitting next to Manbun during a Zoom when he wasn’t playing with his hair, “Instead of twirling his locks around his finger, he started digging in his armpit. After messing with it, he unfurls this twelve-inch bit of pit hair that stinks to high heaven. He was so proud of it, like the seventh-grade kid who could turn his eyelids inside out. It was disgusting.”
Here’s what others are saying about Manbun Mark:
South Buffalo legend Jack Conrad— “I’m still in purgatory, but when I make it to heaven proper, I’m going to smite that Manbun Motherfucker.”
Bad Ronald Leisten—“I think he’s a pretty cool dude…just sayin.”
Local Author P.A. Kane—“Look at those glorious locks.”
Kevin McNamara—“Fuck you. Vaping and gummies are bullshit. Drink tequila.”
