Local Anti-Vaxxers Are Standing With Cole Beasley In Spite Of His Man Bun

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Buffalo, NY—Vaccine hesitant, freedom loving Western New Yorkers are standing with outspoken Bills wide receiver Cole Beasley in spite of his absurd man bun. Under different circumstances it might be hard to look past the hairy hacky sack ball ensconced atop his head, but Beasly, with his disdain for elites and his willingness to peddle conspiracy theories, is a character straight out of the Fox News grievance lab. Hell, the anti-vax crowd doesn’t even care that he’s a white rapper.

After the best year of his career in 2020 where he caught 82 passes for 967 yards, Beasly spent his off-season objecting on Twitter to Covid rules handed down by the NFL and the NFLPA (players union). Speaking like Anne Coulter, but with a less distinct penis, he said: “I’m going to live my one life like I want to regardless. I will be outside doing what I do. I’ll be out in public. If your (sic) scared of me then steer clear, or get vaccinated … I may die of covid, but I’d rather die actually living.”

This week, after stating he was going to stop talking about Covid and the vaccines, for like the tenth time, Beasly and his golden millennial mullet struck a conspiratorial note: “Information is being withheld from players in order for a player to be swayed in a direction he may not be comfortable with.”
When pressed to explain what information is being withheld Beasly ran from the question like Matt Gaetz runs from questions about teenage girls: “I said what I said. That’s kind of where I want to leave it. I don’t want to get into a lot of details.” 

Area Western New York Anti-Vaxxers standing with Beasly:

Max McCarthy, South Buffalo: “Go Bills. Smash tables. Pound beers. Fuck Brady. Josh Allen is the best. Fuck Fauci. His body, his life. Fuck Goodell. Smash tables. Eat wings. Piss in the sink. Highmark is a stupid name. We own the east. Fuck masks. Fuck Covid. Smash tables. Bease forever. I don’t care about his douche knot. Go Bills!!!!”

Kamil Richardson

Kamil Richardson, third bar stool from the door- Old Pink: “Ya, know, there’s consequences to the vaccine they don’t tell you about. They say getting it takes ten minutes on two different days, right? But if you think about it’s way more than that. It’s ten minutes getting dressed, five getting my man hive in place, five driving there, five minutes driving back. All said and done I bet it ends up being about two hours. If properly motivated I can jerk off four times in two-hours. I can drink ten Jack & Cokes in two-hours. I can watch four episodes of Jerry Springer in two-hours. See where I’m going here. It’s just more government bullshit. I respect Beezer for standing up.”  

Donley Wainwright, Colden: “Let’s talk about freedom for a minute. Bease said something like, “I may die of covid, but I’d rather die actually living.” Gotta appreciate that point of view. He values freedom so much he’s willing to die to live his way. The easy thing would be just getting the shot and go living. Go on being husband and a dad, go on playing for a Super Bowl contender. That would be easy, but that ain’t living, that’s being a sheep.” 

Dave Vandalay, Military Road Methadone clinic, Kenmore: “All I gotta say is, I got vaccinated when I was a kid and look how I turned out.  Fuck that shit.
Oh yeah, one more thing, I understand artistic expression and all, but I wish Bease would Zeppelin up his raps—they suck. You feel me? Like, Bease is cool and his anti-vax stance is cool, but his rapping sucks. Props Cole, but clean up that rapping mess.”

Covid and vaccinations are likely to remain a newsworthy issue as the delta variant grows in strength and cases increase.

About P.A. Kane

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