Area Woman Pauses Mindfulness Practice To Be An Asshole And Hate On Shit

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Brenda Isaacson

Buffalo, NY—In 2013 Brenda Isaacson, a Materials Specialist with Kaleida Health, ended her seven year marriage after discovering her husband had been unfaithful to her. Extremely hurt, Isaacson obsessed over her husband’s betrayal in a way that consumed most of her waking moments. Noting the toxicity of such thoughts she took up the practice of Meditation/Mindfulness and learned to quiet her mind. 

Her practice not only helped her gain perspective about her husband’s perfidy, but also about a host of other troubling issues including: the election of Donald Trump, mean drivers on the I-90 and the break-up of Brad and Angelina.

“When my ex-husband Roy, who works in Customer Relations at Ellicott Development decided to take up with little Miss Round Ass from Marketing I was overwhelmed with negative thoughts 24/7. Meditation and the practice of Mindfulness helped calm my mind and gain perspective. And, as I gained control of my thoughts I learned Roy had unmet needs and we were at different points in our life journey. But hearing that little Miss Round Ass dumped him for some kid named Carlos from the cafeteria . . . well, that struck me as hilarious.”

But Isaacson checked herself, applying the principles of Mindfulness to stay in the moment and feel compassion for Roy, who was suffering. However, as hard as she tried to remain neutral and charitable toward her ex she couldn’t help but laugh and feel good about his misfortune. “I don’t know, it just sort of felt really liberating to laugh and hate on that fish lipped fucker,” she said.

After that all bets were off. In the parking lot at Wegmans she approached some white dude wearing a backwards MAGA hat and told him “Ya know, that hat tells everyone you have a small penis.” When a loan officer at her bank called her while she was driving and asked if she had any questions about a recent loan she took out she thundered, “If I had any questions about the loan don’t you think I’d call you . . . you fucking chuckle head.” And in a phone call of her own she excoriated the person managing her 401K, “How can my shit be coming in at 2% when the market is up 10% since Biden came into office?”

During this period one of her extreme joys has been taunting her ex on the phone in a racially insensitive voice, “Hello. This Carlos. Little Miss Round there?”
“He gets so mad. It’s really great. Who knew being an asshole could be so much fun?”

 Isaacson suspects she’ll return to her Meditation/ Mindfulness practice at some point . “Yeah, I was in Tim Horton’s the other day trying to have a cup of coffee and this baby was crying and crying. So, I went up to the mother and told her to—stuff a cruller in it. Although it felt good saying that in the moment, later I recognized my petty annoyance paled in comparison to what mother and baby were experiencing.”  

So, in the meantime, until Isaacson unrolls her mat, crosses her legs and catches those smooth theta-waves of blankness, she recommends everybody watch their asses.       

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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