Buffalo, NY— Education Certification Expert, Patti Akim is rethinking her year long relationship with extreme Bills fan, David Thundersmosch, a.k.a. Captain Dave.
Akim, a casual Bills fan at best, could look past Captain Dave’s Andre the Giant like head, which dominates all their social media posts and the fact that he often stays up till the wee hours of the morning because someone on the Bills Mafia Facebook page is wrong about the Bills drafting Baker Mayfield instead of Sam Darnold. She could even look past the 7am gameday tailgate and the homemade Captain Dave superhero getup.
Well, no she couldn’t. She thought it was crazy a fifty-year old man was still be so invested in a game boys played as kids, but she was willing to tolerate it since the Captain was reasonably hygienic, had most of his teeth and has remained employed the entire time they’ve been together.
But now she’s re-evaluating the relationship after the Captain informed her he would not be able to attend the couple’s weekly Ballroom Dance classes on successive Thursday nights due to the release of the Bills schedule and then the NFL Draft. At first Akim thought he was joking, but the Captain became very serious saying, “The Bills haven’t played at Lambeau Field in eight years,” and then raised his voice to a scary level regarding the draft: “ AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DRAFT IN THIRTY FUCKING YEARS.”
Unnerved by his passion, she nevertheless attended the Captain’s schedule release party and was astounded, watching her crazed boyfriend and his friends do Fireball shots after securing tickets that cost $300 on StubHub for a week four matchup against the Packers at Lambeau Field. The schedule release was literally the warm up to the night’s main event which found one of the party’s attendees so inspired at scoring Packer tickets he poured lighter fluid all over his clothes and then set himself on fire while being cheered on by his friends. Captain Dave turned to Akim as the paramedics were wheeling the badly burned man away and said laughing, “It ain’t a Bills party until someone needs an ambulance.”
Appalled, yet morbidly curious, the way one is at a teen slashing movie, Akim plans to make her final determination about Captain Dave and their relationship after this weekend’s draft. The Captain has a draft board set up in his living room where he has conducted hundreds of mocks, trying to take into account every possible contingency and scenario. He’s planning pre-draft parties at his house starting at 4pm Thursday, Friday and Saturday before heading down to the Bills Field House to watch the draft live on ESPN. And then a Sunday wrap brunch at Marinaro’s Larkin Tavern.
Should an amputation or some other form of human sacrifice occur draft weekend Akim will likely end the relationship with Captain Dave. If that happens, she vows her next boyfriend will be less flamboyant and more laid back. She’s thinking about someone like this hipster dude from Human Resources, Brad, who sports a ridiculous beard, eats trail mix, likes Coldplay and only has a minor interest Manchester United of the Premier League.
Akim is hoping for the best, but bracing for the worst.