Over the party weekend, Saturday will be the day Coogan expects to see the most traffic and experience the most lameness. The Valley location of Costello’s is a little removed from the downtown parade Sunday, but it’s right in the mix for the Little Parade in the Old First Ward on Saturday—so that would be the traffic part of it. The lameness will come because the high temperature on Saturday is expected to be thirty-seven degrees, meaning all the meatheads will be dipping into the Jameson early and often.

“Yeah, the colder weather will translate into guys doing more shots. When that happens, the number one thing they want to do is show me their shillelaghs—some will also ask me to touch, taste, and pull on their shillelaghs. I try to be a good sport about it since these drunken assholes do fill up my tip jar, but c’mon—they want to show me their shillelagh? Can’t they come up with something a little more clever than that? Besides, a shillelagh is like a three-foot-long walking/fighting stick, and everyone knows these weak-ass Irish losers are packing all of two inches.” 

Coogan also noted the strange dynamic of her bartending gig, especially this weekend. “I spend all his time laughing and smiling at guys as I reject them, which is weird. Even weirder, after I reject their sorry asses, they still give me crazy amounts of money. I know, they’re confused from all the beer and Jameson buzzing around in their little pea brains, but goddamn, have some self-respect for god’s sake.”

The Little Parade in the First Ward is scheduled to start at 11 am on Saturday, and the traditional St. Patrick’s Day Parade will take place on Sunday at 2 pm on Delaware Avenue.

Sláinte.

The post Local Bartender Bracing For Weekend Of Lame Irish Revelers Hitting On Her appeared first on buffalomud.com.

It wasn’t the type of voice that prompted him to join a fucking monastery. Nor did it tell him to extoll the virtues of tinned fish. And, it certainly didn’t whisper in his ear to chase the friendly Aldi attendant with the sexy crooked teeth who happily showed him where the packets of taco seasoning were located. 

No—as he stood in front of the eye-extracting bush, the voice told him to set aside the stupid yard work, sit at his keyboard in the wee hours of the night, and write a work of devastating power and beauty that would set mankind on a path toward justice, equity, and five percent year-over-year economic growth.

Ruminating for a moment, and not quite understanding the five percent growth part, he felt his soul churn, burn, and finally whirl like a uranium-enriching centrifuge. Raising his arms to the sky, he accepted the challenge and breathlessly yelled: “Justice, Equity, and Five Percent Growth, I am your champion. I am your liberator. I am your salvation.”  

Not sure where to begin, Kane started with the easiest part—five percent growth. A quick Google search revealed that during the Kennedy-Johnson administrations in the 1960s, economic growth was 5.2% when the highest marginal tax rate was 70%. Thinking about the 1960s and the marginal tax rate, Kane naturally landed on his own birth in 1961 and his rough and tumble youth growing up on Lockwood Avenue in South Buffalo—the perfect setting for a work of devastating power and beauty.

He would outline the hardships of growing up with nine siblings in a crowded three-bed, one-bath house, with strict Catholic parents. His devout mom was so attuned to him and his depravity that after watching Susan Dey on The Partridge Family, she would slap him on the back of the head and say, “No impure thoughts or touching,” making his incessant carrot polishing doubly foul.

In this work of devastating power and beauty, he would further explain the hardships of growing up in such a family—powdered milk, cold showers, and endless bologna sandwiches—like a million fucking bologna sandwiches. He would share the misery of unrequited high school love—we’re looking at you, the entirety of the female class of 1978 South Park High School. And finally, he would unfurl the confusion and despair of his twenties, which saw him own both a Culture Club and a Duran Duran album at the same time—Oh, the humanity. 

But as the years passed, with upgraded resources that included 2% milk, hot water, a variety of sandwich meats, and boundless persistence, Kane found writing and rose to be the 1.5 millionth most popular Amazon author. In his work, he distilled shimmering prose, biting humor, and sex scenes that made everyone’s face flush with excitement and embarrassment. Now, the voice in his head gave him a new assignment—a work of devastating beauty and power, that required him to be more shimmery, to bite harder, and for God’s sake, make the sex scenes extra cringy and raw with lots of milky discharge. 

A bit flummoxed on how to realize what the voice in his head asked of him, Kane came to an unsettling conclusion. For instance, when he pursued his Baywatch Silver project, which is now complete and awaiting release, he had to temporarily pause Buffalo Mud. Regrettably, he has come to that conclusion again. To satisfy the voice in his head and for the sake of justice, equity, and five-percent economic growth, he will once again hit the pause button on Buffalo Mud.

Kane isn’t sure how long he’ll be away from Buffalo Mud, but emphasized his leave is temporary and he’ll return as soon as possible to again provide readers with the best in lean, antibiotic-free, environmentally friendly fake news/satire. He is grateful for all the support he has received through the years.     

The post Local Author To Pursue Work Of Devastating Power And Beauty appeared first on buffalomud.com.

Given Ivy Weed hopes to attract upscale clientele, Manbun Mark would seem out of place at the dispensary. He folds and unfolds the man bun all through his shifts and constantly shakes out his cascading locks like it’s 1984 and he’s David Lee Roth.  On top of that, he’s always soliciting high-fives from customers and, in a jarring Gilbert Gottfried voice, asks: Can you feel me? Then there’s the jokes, and the lame come-ons: Don’t forget to stay high-drated;  Just doobie it;  Weed look good together. 

Though supervisors have asked him to tone it down, Manbun Mark seems to have won the favor with Ivy Weed CEO, Reed Rothchild. Much to the dismay of coworkers, he includes Manbun Mark, like he’s a son, in all planning and strategy meetings, which usually take place over Zoom.

Marketing manager Margret Mankowitz gets annoyed when Rothchild considers  Manbun’s unrealistic, budget-busting suggestions about a never-would-happen winter Burning Man at Delaware Park. “He says all this dumb shit about snow artists and winter yoga and then makes these pie-in-the-sky requests about getting Snoop Dogg and Seth Rogan to headline the event. But worse than his dumb ideas is when he unfurls the man bun and starts twirling loose hair in his fingers. I’m not proud of this, but when he twirls, I dream about choking him with his stupid fucking hair.”

“Yes,” said Graphic Designer Daphney Delouise, “I might not go as far as Margret, but I’d like Manbun to go away. I don’t get why Rothchild lets him talk. Last Zoom, he wanted to know if I could design artwork for fake products that we could market to kids—gummies, vapes, and joints like the old fake chewable cigarettes of the sixties. And as he was making his pitch, he kept wrapping and unwrapping his hair around his finger. It was so annoying.”

Information specialist Ian Ivandetti related a story about sitting next to Manbun during a Zoom when he wasn’t playing with his hair, “Instead of twirling his locks around his finger, he started digging in his armpit. After messing with it, he unfurls this twelve-inch bit of pit hair that stinks to high heaven. He was so proud of it, like the seventh-grade kid who could turn his eyelids inside out. It was disgusting.”

Here’s what others are saying about Manbun Mark:

South Buffalo legend Jack Conrad— “I’m still in purgatory, but when I make it to heaven proper, I’m going to smite that Manbun Motherfucker.”

Bad Ronald Leisten—“I think he’s a pretty cool dude…just sayin.”

Local Author P.A. Kane—“Look at those glorious locks.”

Kevin McNamara—“Fuck you. Vaping and gummies are bullshit. Drink tequila.”

The post Everybody Hates Manbun Mark appeared first on buffalomud.com.

But, to quote an ancient Zen master: “Shit happens.” So, to mark some of the shit that happened, we put together a retrospective of our favorite Buffalo Mud stories of 2019.

Thank you for the support. Continued health, happiness and more Patriot’s losses in 2020- Go Bills!!!

• In the new “me too” frontier, we started the year helping three, out of touch privileged white men cleanse their tawdry crude souls, ahead of their forty-year reunion.

• Nearly Forty Years Later Three Yearbook Staffers Express Regret At Page Of Asses

• We had some fun with congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez supposed tax on the air we breathe.

• Phony Leftist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez To Propose User Fee On Air

• We covered the implications of the Rob Gronkowski retirement from the New England Patriots in March of 2019.

• Gronk Steps Away From Football Saying: “I’m Tired Of Owning The Bills”

• “Local Author,” P.A.Kane had a banner year in everything except book sales.

• Local Author Faces Shakedown Over Baywatch Reel

• Erie County Comptroller, Stefan Mychajliw (Mychajliw– pronounced: Opportunitstfuckingasshole)used the county’s whistleblower hotline not to to appeal to the fear and resentments of low information voters, but to really root out undocumented workers applying for driver licenses. The move seems to have backfired on him.

• Mychajliw’s Hotline Received Two-Hundred-Forty-One Calls Regarding Howard Stern’s Penis  

• Senior Mud Contributor, David P. Zach, when he wasn’t running down a thousand loose ends as Kanye West’s fixer, he was providing biting social commentary on today’s hottest issues that attempted to point out why he is better than the rest of us.

• I Am A Handsome Stable Genius

• At the end of the summer local drummer Ron Leisten found himself in the center of a controversy that demoted him from “Bad Ronald,” to “Just Ronald.”

• Movement To Demote Local Drummer “Bad Ronald” To “Just Ronald” Growing

• Local author P.A. Kane was very close to supplementing his income as the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author with a gig at Spectrum News. If only he was a little more handsome.

• Local Author “Almost” Handsome Enough To Be Spectrum News Anchor

• Besides being cutting edge satire, Buffalo Mud is known for being on top of current social trends. The “man purse,” sort of became a thing in 2019.

• Speculation Abounds About Retired Teacher’s Man Purse

• Nothing warms our hearts at Buffalo Mud like the people of Western New York settling their differences through civil discourse and maybe a drink at Molly McGuire’s.

• Ambiguous Door Leads To Verbal Exchange Between Grubhub Driver And Customer

Thank you again for your continued support.

The post Buffalo Mud: The Best Of 2019 appeared first on buffalomud.com.