Mychajliw’s Hotline Receives Two-Hundred-Forty-One Calls Regarding Howard Stern’s Penis


Buffalo, NY—To raise his political profile for an expected run at the NY27 congressional seat in 2020, Erie County Comptroller, Stefan Mychajliw (Mychajliw– pronounced: Opportunitstfuckingasshole) is using county’s Whistleblower Hotline to expose and report undocumented immigrants seeking driver’s licenses to ICE officials. Known for his fiery rhetoric and strong stances on divisive issues, Mychajliw, was unmoved by arguments that the Comptroller’s Hotline, which was set up to report waste and abuse of county resources, was, in fact, an abuse of county resources when used for purposes of reporting the names of immigrants to ICE. 

“Whatever, libtards, ” Mychajliw said. “People hate immigrants and I’m going to stoke that hatred all the way to congress in 2020.”

But the plan quickly went awry when an influx of calls to the Hotline started to report that Howard Stern’s Penis was trying to obtain a license at various DMV locations throughout the county. According to the calls the Penis was in line this past Saturday morning at the George Urban location in Depew. The Penis tried to file papers at the ECC South location the following Monday just before the office closed. The Penis was seen Wednesday afternoon sipping a Tim Hortons double double the Tonawanda location. At the Grand Island office on Baseline Road the Penis was seen arguing with a man in the parking lot.

There also were reports that Howard Stern’s Penis was seen sunning itself at Gallagher Beach and at the Abbott Road Dairy Queen, where it enjoyed a root beer float. Later, it was spotted in the bleachers at Front Park watching soccer games. In all there were two-hundred-forty-one calls to the Hotline regarding Howard Stern’s Penis. 

 Mychajliw quickly took to Twitter to report the Hotline was working as planned and that paperwork regarding Howard Stern’s Penis had been turned over to ICE officials. Another tweet quickly followed saying that citizenship for Howard Stern’s Penis had been established and to please refrain from calling the Hotline regarding said Penis. Then, in an apparent moment of confusion  Mychajliw asked, “Why would a Penis need a driver’s license?” 

Those tweets were taken down almost immediately and replaced with an image of Mychajliw pointing an accusing finger at County Executive, Mark Poloncarz, calling him an extremist liberal enemy of the people.  

Calls regarding Howard Stern’s Penis have diminished, but the Hotline is now receiving inquiries about an interloper going by the name of Baba Booey.      

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