Washington D.C.—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), the twenty-nine year old Democratic Socialist from New York’s 14the Congressional District is being characterized by Republicans as the left’s latest phony hero. AOC’s socialist rhetoric of single payer health care, a Green New Deal and raising marginal tax rates on wealthy Americans is being regarded by conservative opponents as the same unimaginative Socialistic twaddle that generations of Americans have unequivocally rejected. Conservatives, however, are becoming increasingly concerned over an AOC plan to tax the air we breathe.
Porcine Clementine, a Republican strategist at the “Let Them Eat Cake” think tank in Fairfax, Virginia said, “On the one hand, AOC proposes the same old socialist tropes that enslave people to mediocracy and dependence instead of inspiring them to break the chains of oppression and take control of their lives.” But, Clementine cautioned, these Socialist proposals are likely to just be cover for her more ambitious program to tax the air we breathe. Sources say AOC plans to introduce a user tax on the great, and presently free, American air we breathe based on the zip codes. Those living in affluent places like 33109: Fisher Island, Miami Beach, Florida and 94301: Palo Alto, California will pay a user fee not only because they benefited the most from the air, but because the carbon they exhale contains elements of neglected babies and puppies and bits of the underpaid, overworked employees they exploit. Americans in poorer zip codes who struggle with basic oxygen intake will be receive waivers on the fee.
Bubba Fuddnickle, the President of the John Birch Restoration Project said, “This user fee business is the same old class warfare tactic the left has used forever and you can bet that phony AOC won’t impose this fee in her New York district or Washington. He offered a counter proposal saying user fees should be means tested and based on nostril size. “If we’re going to have this fee, everybody needs to have skin in the game starting with AOC.” Pointing to AOC’s nostrils Fuddnickle asked, “Have you ever seen hers—they’re huge.” He argued because of AOC’s large nostrils she receives a disproportionate share of oxygen, whereas normal people like himself and others in places like Arkansas and Mississippi with normal sized nostrils get cheated out of air through no fault of their own. “She has all this oxygen speeding to her brain while very little of anything is making its way into ours.”
Wadley Dustfiddle, author of The Hidden Beauty of Joe McCarthy warned his conservative brethren not to become too focused on any one AOC proposal. “She’s just throwing things against the wall and seeing if any of it sticks. She obviously is misrepresenting herself and is a total phony. I mean, did you see her doing the dance routine from the Breakfast Club? How would a Socialist dog from the Bronx even know about a movie like The Breakfast Club? And, what would she know about the pain of suburban white kids whose dad’s ignore them when they don’t succeed at sports or the smart nerdy kid who can’t get a cheerleader to look his way?” In her little Latino gulag they never think about white pain—all they think about are jobs, opportunity and having enough to eat.”
Dustfiddle also pointed out that socialist AOC has never been seen eating the sagging skins of rotten Russian potatoes—but she has been spotted at Applebees eating a real American burger and fries and didn’t even save anything for later. “It was like she knew where her next meal was coming from and maybe even had more food at home,” he said. Rumor has it she also paid off a loan on a 2008 Honda Civic entirely with real American cash. Not once did she offer to barter services with the bank or take in anyone’s laundry or darn anybody’s socks—it was all paid for with cash. In closing Dusfiddle said, “Plain and simple she’s an opportunist and a phony and is conning the American people.”
AOC responded to these allegations with one terse tweet saying: “I look forward to helping our conservative brothers and sisters get some much needed oxygen into their heads.”