Speculation Abounds About Retired Teacher’s Man Purse

Jesse Holmes
Prince Symbol

Buffalo NY—From his tweed jackets to his pork pie hats retired Buffalo School Teacher, Jesse Holmes  cuts a sporty metro look. But style isn’t just skinny jeans and sweater vests when it comes to Holmes, it’s a statement of who you are and what you stand for. And, in Holmes’ case that statement makes one think of vegan safe donuts, chocolate martinis and Prince during his symbol period. So when he recently added a “man purse” to his repertoire, not only did this raise questions about where he was going with his look, but also about just what the hell he’s carrying around in the bag?

Men typically are limited to carrying keys, wallet, cash and a phone, all of which can be comfortably stored in pants pockets with room to spare. While Holmes agreed most men could get by with just their pants pockets, he said he wasn’t “most men. ” But, when asked what was up with the man purse he was evasive, saying he was in training for the day in the future when he switches to an all skirt wardrobe. He then pointed to his legs and said, “Look at these calves, they should be on display 24/7—they’re gorgeous.”  

Justin Timberlake and condom filled “man purse”

Mary Lou Holmes, his wife of thirty-seven years has no clue what he’s carrying around in the man purse, but is unconcerned. “In the old days it would have been a mash of papers waiting to be corrected, but I really don’t know . . . maybe his favorite favorite Susan Sontag or Charlotte Bronte stories. All I know is one day I found a magazine open on the dining room table with a picture of Justin Timberlake rocking a man purse and the next day Jess had one. But, we know JT needs the man purse for all those condoms he has to carry around because, you know— he’s JT. One thing for sure Jess ain’t carrying around no condoms—maybe a stache of e water pills for when he feels bloated or tweezers for when his eyebrows get unruly, but not condoms”   

His brother, Bo Holmes said, “A man purse? Let’s just say I’m not surprised. Growing up he was always using all the hot water when he showered and then stayed in the bathroom for hours on end doing “Laverne & Shirley,” bits in front of the mirror. He’s just a real frustrating, weird guy. Last week he posted a Lisa Loeb song on social media and my wife had to hide my keys because I swear to god, I was about to go over to his house and beat the shit out of him. Lisa fucking Loeb, gimme a break.” 

Here’s more reactions and speculation regarding Holmes’ man purse from Western New Yorkers: 

Conductor of the Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra, JoAnn Faletta had this to say, “Who cares what’s he’s carrying around in that purse. It really works for him. He’s like a young, less handsome, Gustav Mahler.”

Local author P.A.Kane was more circumspect, “Yeah, well, I don’t know much about having a look, but I’m pretty sure that Holmes’ bag is filled with regrets. Most of us self hate in silence and try to quash our demons with bourbon, but Holmes is different. His are closer to the surface and at some point he’s going to open that bag and let them all out and there’s going to be lots of crying and more Lisa Loeb songs—god help us.”

President of the Buffalo School Board, Sharon M. Belton-Cottman laughed and said, “That’s funny, because I’ve been trying to downsize my life and have taken to carrying just a wallet. But whatever works for Mr. Homes is fine.” 

Businessman and former Repuplican nominee for New York governor, Carl Palidino said, “A man purse? I always knew that Holmes guy was a fruit.”

Despite the jokes, criticism and speculation Holmes is convinced the man purse will catch on and won’t be just for sporty, metro trendsetters like him. 

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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