Local Author “Almost” Handsome Enough To Be Spectrum News Anchor


Buffalo, NY—Local author P.A.Kane seeking to increase his media presence recently interviewed for a weekend anchor position at Spectrum News. Kane impressed Spectrum management with his delivery, energy, understanding of the issues and was almost handsome enough to secure the position, but not quite.

Station manager Lander Sanborn indicated that his team deliberated long and hard about Kane and said that he had many excellent qualities, but there was something a little off about his appearance. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Sanborn, “in a colony of wayward “Larry the Cable Guy,” rejects he would be a rockstar, but he wasn’t right for us. He was almost there, almost handsome enough, but came up just short.” 

Carson Metcalf

Spectrum meteorologist, Carson Metcalf agreed with the decision. He complimented Kane for his “outstanding novels,” Written In The Stars: The Book Of Molly and Leaving Jackson Wolf, and had high praise for his “hilarious work” on Buffalo Mud, but thought the author just didn’t have a television face. “Maybe he should look into podcasting or internet radio. His giant, pasty white head wouldn’t be an obstacle on those platforms.”

Sanborn said Spectrum was willing to hire Kane as a “gig,” employee where he would be the station’s first choice to run to Tim Hortons for coffee or to drive staff members home after a night of boozing. “Who knows what could happen if he’s really good at kissing our asses. Over time he might grow on us to the point where we would be able to look past that grill.”

As the 1.5 millionth ranked author on  Amazon, Kane didn’t take this latest rejection personally. Instead he doggedly pursued a meeting with the local ABC affiliate WKBW, thinking if they would hire John Murphy, he might have a shot at some kind of on-air work as well. However, as he was waiting to be let into the building at 7 Broadcast Plaza security grabbed and handcuffed him saying they received a complaint that “some poet looking douchebag in a beret was trying to break into the building.” As Kane tried to explain he had scheduled meeting lead anchor Ashley Rowe walked by with a certain amount of briskness and an appalled look on her face.

John Murphy

Kane was able to clear the matter up without further incident and now is seeking a meeting with the CBS affiliate WIVB, who also employed John Murphy for a period of time.

Details to follow.     

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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