Buffalo, New York—Nearly forty years later three student staff members of the 1980 Dial, South Park High School’s yearbook, have expressed regret over the exploitative page of asses they included in that year’s registry.
The three men have admitted to randomly filling rolls and rolls and rolls of film with pictures of high school girls’ asses. They took so many ass pictures there was no film left to document the 1980 baseball team, which is not represented in the book. As a sign of good faith and to get ahead of next year’s forty year reunion they have come forward to express regret and apologize for their actions.
Alvin Chooch Gryffindor, now a farm equipment salesman in Horseheads, NY, recalls that after years of unrequited overtures he finally landed a girlfriend his senior year at South Park. “But,” Gryffindor said, “she just ended up yelling at me all the time because I had this unbelievable Donna Summers record collection, which included a ton of bootlegs and needed constant attention. As a result, hot stuff moments were few and far between and those ass pictures got me through many lonely nights. Despite that, I now see my actions were wrong and I’m very sorry for my part in the page of asses.” Gryffindor also wanted people to know the claims by his second ex-wife that the walls of his basement office were covered with grainy pictures of these high school girls asses is “total bullshit” and “never corroborated in court.”
Franklin Paramecci, a Vice-President at Waste Management Services of Niagara Falls said, “I was seventeen years old and they gave me a camera in a building full of beautiful girls, what was I supposed to do, take pictures of the debate team? C’mon let’s get real here.” Touching his pinky ring Paramecci also said, “Now, though, through a long evolutionary process I have come to understand my actions back then could be perceived as hurtful and I wish to offer my sincerest apologies to anyone I may have offended.” With a wink he added, “I’ll be at Club Bang-Bang on 44th Street in the Falls all weekend if any of you ladies that I may have offended would like an in person apology. I’ll buy you a nice vodka and tea drink and we can reminisce about dear old South Park.”
Stefan Stonegrizzle, a spin instructor at the Elmwood Fitness Boutique took responsibility for the picture of the large man at the top of the middle row. “At the time, I wasn’t out and pretended to include this, as a little shade to all the girls asses, but truth be told, it was totally exploitative. Even back then I loved me some large middle age men.” A faraway came to Stonegrizzle’s eyes while he gazed at the photo, “Even now, all these years later I get worked up looking at the picture and can’t help but imagine this beautiful thick fingered man getting all sweaty as he tries to thread his long leathery belt through the loops of his trousers. Dear lord.” He meditated a moment longer on the picture before coming back to reality and said, “I’m sorry. I know we’re here to make amends and I’m working hard in therapy, but the heart wants what the heart wants. Still, I am sorry if my thoughtless teenage actions hurt anyone. Please forgive me.”
The men said it was good to get this out in the open and apologize. They are also looking forward to next year’s forty year reunion, but warned old habits are hard to break and with today’s flashless phone cameras—everybody better watch their asses.