Blasdell, NY—Yellow Freight shipping manager Lulu Latoris is annoyed and full of complaints at her husband Larry’s indifference to her upcoming birthday. Latoris, who was born June 24, 1964 starts to get angry right around Mother’s Day when Larry reminds her that the annual Sunday celebration of mothers is a capitalist creation fashioned by card makers, confectionists and florists—who sever the heads of millions of perfectly good flowers to line their pockets.
“Growing up my birthday used to be so special,” said Latoris with a far away look. “It coincided with the end of the school year and my mom would throw these great parties in our yard and me and my friends would go swimming, eat cake and ice cream and I’d get lots of presents. Now, all I hear from that son-of-a-bitch Larry is that: ‘It’s been a long time since you’ve been in school Betty White.’”
What really gets Latoris is that Larry will sit around drinking beer all day on July 4th or go on a three day bender around St. Patrick’s Day, but he’ll barely acknowledge Valentines, Mothers or her Birthday. He says, “It is right and proper to celebrate the emancipation of the American people from their British oppressors and to honor St. Patrick for using that little tin pipe thing to lead all those snakes to the sea or whatever the hell he did. But a birthday? Nine-billion people on the planet have birthdays. Same with Mother’s Day—there are billions of mothers. What’s to celebrate? Congratulations you slipped out of a birth canal and had someone slip out of your birth canal like billions of others.”
In response to Larry’s indifference LuLu has been buying a bunch of shit she doesn’t need. “I bought three new sweaters and six pairs of shoes as birthday presents to myself. Just the other day he was complaining that I had thirteen pairs of shoes in the back hall. If he wants an uncluttered shoe free back hall maybe he should acknowledge some of these special days,” she said bitterly.
LuLu then went on to explain that the sweaters were marked down from $59 to $39 and that she had seen similar shoes at Kohl’s at almost double the price.
The Latoris’ joined forces 1993 and will be celebrating thirty years of wedded bliss later this year with another shrug from Larry and an unnecessary Amazon shoe order from Lulu.