West Seneca, NY—For the last few weeks local author P.A. Kane has been seeing posts in his social media from the West Seneca Democratic Party seeking candidates for a slew of town offices in 2023. The party is in search of candidates for: Supervisor, Town Council, Town Clerk, Highway Superintendent and Town Justice. Though busy with several writing projects the author finds the idea of public office intriguing.
“I’m thinking of going for Town Council or Highway,” Kane said. “Supervisor seems like a lot of responsibility and probably wouldn’t correspond to my strict 5pm cocktail hour. Plus, I think the present guy is doing a good job. Clerk is out because I’d hate to know who is or isn’t paying their taxes. Town Justice is appealing. I mean, who wouldn’t like to slam down a gavel and yell, ‘Guilty,’ at some schmuck for doing 50 in a 35? On top of that you get to impose a hefty fine. And, if it’s Al Petko, you put him in jail overnight. The problem is I can’t seem to get rid of the Covid weight I put on during the pandemic and I’m afraid I’ll look like Orson Wells in those black robes. Or I’ll be mistaken for a big black sailboat. Full disclosure—I’m vain like that. Look at me, already pretending to be an “outsider” with my full disclosure honesty bullshit.”
Another thing the beret wearing, 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author said he would be honest about is the use of his office for personal gain. He stated if he went for the Highway position he would change his own Monday morning garbage pick up to mid-week. Ever since he’s lived in West Seneca he’s had the Monday pick up and it’s always been a giant pain in the ass, like a never ending Sunday night homework assignment that shortens the weekend. Additionally, if Kane were elected to Highway not only would his street be plowed first, but he would have a Town pickup truck following close behind to clear out the end of his driveway. Not one for the ass grabbing back slapping bullshit that comes with big lunches or rounds of golf in exchange for town contracts he believes that would be the extent of his corruption . . . unless there was an offer he couldn’t refuse.
However, the most likely place for Kane to land would be on the Town Council where he would advocate for a ten-percent across the board pay increase for town workers and teachers. He’s also fascinated by the idea of telling crybaby white suburban homeowners who endlessly complain about leaves, snow removal, teenagers, taxes, garbage totes, sewers, stolen elections, senior citizens and a whole host of other things to shut up. “I would love it,” he said. “It would be so fun to be at one of those town board meetings where some dude with a bad mustache from Dover Drive is complaining about his leaves not being picked up and I tell him to get a real problem and shut the fuck up.”
Kane liked the ring of that: Your “Shut The Fuck Up” Candidate
Without consulting god, his family or anyone else the author will make a decision about his political future by the first of the year.