By David P. Zach—Senior Buffalo Mud Contributor—
Forget the odor of decomposing fish and and the elevated levels of bacteria, Lebron James is not only going to save Woodlawn Beach, but all of Buffalo. In a sweeping interview the superstar tells Jim Nance how.
Jim Nance: LeBron, thank you for your time today.
LeBron James: Always happy to talk to the little people.
JN: So, everyone was pretty shocked by the announcement that in 2019 you’ll be taking your talents to Woodlawn Beach.
LJ: Not just Woodlawn. Hamburg and Bennett Beach too. I actually plan on bringing my talents to the whole greater Buffalo area.
JN: Despite the fact that Buffalo has no professional basketball team.
LJ: My talents reach far beyond the basketball court. I hope to bring the Stanley Cup and the Lombardi Trophy home to Buffalo in the coming year.
LJ: I figure I can average five goals a night for the Sabres.
JN: And where do you see yourself on the Bills?
LJ: I’ve got a 5 second hang time and enough leg to flip the field.
JN: Fantastic. Do you have any goals outside the sports arena?
LJ: Oh yeah. I’m gonna get the theater district hopping again. Me and Uma Thurman are starring in an updated version of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” We’ll be playing the parents, and our daughter is dating an Elvis Costello impersonator.
JN: Sounds terrifying.
LJ: It’s not for kids.
JN: What else?
LJ: I’m holding a writing seminar in April called “More Tolkien, Less Tolstoy”.
JN: Interesting choice.
LJ: Have you read the local writing coming out of here? Awful. Like, Shaq-free-throw awful. Mopey middle aged guys revisiting their misspent youth with all the subtlety of a Bob Knight chair-toss.
JN: Moving on… Some people feel that you’re a wildly overpaid man who gets tens of millions of dollars to throw a ball in a hoop.
LJ: I agree. But it’s merely a symptom of capitalism run amok. And there seems to be far less ire directed at the NBA owners who pocket ten times as much. Almost makes you wonder if there’s some difference between them and the players that is actually at the root of many people’s anger.
JN: Are you race-baiting?
JN: I think you’re race-baiting.
LJ: And I think you’re a talking monkey that gets paid too much by CBS and Les Moonves, who by-the-way makes 70 million a year.
JN: He does??
JN: But I do all the work.
LJ: That’s not gonna be your strongest argument.
JN: Damn…. Any thoughts on Rosanne?
LJ: Dumb fat-ass.
JN: Please don’t engage in body-shaming on my show.
LJ: But she’s a horrible person.
LJ: At some point doesn’t the horrible nature of an individual override their right to not be physically mocked?
JN: You mean like Kim Jong Un?
LJ: Or Skip Bayless.
JN: Fair enough. Do you think the people of Cleveland will be as upset with your second departure?
LJ: Nah, they got Bon Jovi in that Hall of Fame now. They good.
JN: Any last comments?
LJ: Do the rivers here catch fire…?