Buffalo, NY—Coming down from a terrible Bills playoff loss to the Bengals last weekend, Zub Norkwood, a sixty-one year old lifelong resident of South Buffalo decided to pay a visit to his cardiologist before jumping on the Sabres bandwagon.
This past November Norkwood experienced chest pains after clearing six-feet of lake effect snow one-shovelful at a time from the driveway of his South Buffalo home. Emergency room doctors at Mercy Hospital were able to stabilize and discharge him relatively quickly, but with orders to get a plow service, cut back on Imperial wings, shots at Molly Maguires and do a follow up visit with a cardiologist.
Self Hating Sabres Fans Missing The Misery
Taking the recommendation, Norkwood booked an appointment with Dr. Dan Woggleghenter at WNY Cardiology. After interviewing Norkwood and running some preliminary tests, Dr. Woggleghenter found his heart to be relatively fit, especially for someone from South Buffalo, and encouraged him to continue to make healthy food and lifestyle choices. He also advised Norkwood to check with him if he was going to engage in any behaviors that would potentially increase his stress.
Despite the decade plus of futility by the Sabres, Norkwood is excited by this young and fun to watch team. But given his recent cardiac event and the troubling end to another Bills season he thought it would be wise to check with Dr. Woggleghenter before jumping on the bandwagon.
Upon hearing Nokwood’s idea the cardiologist asked if he had suffered some kind of trauma, maybe a blow to the head with a blunt object? He also inquired about his knowledge of recent Sabres history—missing the playoffs for the last eleven years, finishing last in the East in 2013, 14, 17, 18, 20, Ralph Krueger, Phil Housley, Zack Fucking Bogosian?
When Norkwood acknowledged he was fully aware of the recent history and hadn’t been hit in the head Dr. Woggleghenter bluntly told him: “Like the Bills, in the end they’re going to rip your heart out. Jeff Skinner is about to go into a twenty-game goal scoring slump, Rasmus Dahlin’s acne and his snowflakey Scandinavian play is about to return, the players only meeting when their playoff hopes start to slip away will produce two wins and then a ten game losing streak to end the season. Don Granato and Kevyn Adams will be fired and replaced by Dominic Hasek and Miroslav Satan who will promptly trade away Tage Thompson and Alex Tuch for draft picks and start yet another rebuild.”
Norkwood again said he was aware of the potential outcomes. Dr. Woggleghenter would only endorse the plan with a full cardiac workup that included a stress test, an electrocardiogram and a thirty-day study of Norkwood’s heartbeat pattern via a Biotel Heart Monitor device that attaches to the chest.
The cardiologist believes given the thirty day window the Sabres will be in dumpster fire mode saving his patient a lot of undue anguish and stress on his heart.