Portland, Oregon—As a result of fifty days of unrest, stemming from the murder of George Floyd, President Trump has taken the unprecedented step of deploying federal agents in tactical military gear to protect federal assets in the city of Portland, Oregon. For years 2nd amendment advocates have argued that militias and an armed citizenry were necessary as a check against a tyrannical government overreach. Yet, it was a group of moms in bike helmets and hard hats, along and with #NakedAthena who stood between federal agents and protesters exercising their right to petition the government for redress of grievances, which is protected in the 1st amendment of Bill of Rights.
“Yeah, about that,” said a slightly embarrassed Odin Doctorow, who is a spokesman for the Central Oregon Minutemen, “Oops! A lot of us were on vacation when the secret police showed up in Portland. I know this type of thing is the reason for our existence, but we’re all exhausted from the lock-down and many of us had non-refundable deposits on cottages at Cannon Beach last week.”
Doctorow noted the extreme pressure the militia had been under lately as a result of the Covid 19 crisis and their own protests over the lock-down and mask requirements. “Some of the guys just needed a little break,” said Doctorow. “People think it’s so easy to stand around all day on the capitol steps in Salem yelling epithets at nanny state Governor, Kate Brown. Well, it ain’t. You know how heavy a Kevlar vest is, an AR15 or our facial hair. Lots of guys have pretty robust beards which add extra pounds to our heads. It’s a lot of added stress on our necks and backs. And, you know, a few of us may go up a couple of extra times to the breakfast bar at The Cracker Barrel after we do weekend drills, so we’re a little out of shape. The point is, defending freedom and liberty is hard work. So, give us a break.”
Curiously, also missing from the resistance in Portland was the NRA, which has ceaselessly lobbied the government for the right of people to have unlimited access to firearms in case federal agents in military gear show up in your town—you know, just like in Portland. Calls to Wayne LaPierre, the CEO of the NRA were directed to an “out of the office” recording stating that he was recharging his batteries for the opening of “shooting season,” which is NRA speak for—the school year.
Said one Chicago mom, where federal agents are expected to be deployed next, “Just like always, when you want something done right, you get mom to do it.”