Internal Audit Of White Supremacist’s Groups Finds Nothing All That Supreme About Movement Or Members


United States, America—An internal audit of white supremacist’s groups found nothing exceptional about the movement or its members. Fearful of the growing popularity of the “Black Lives Matter” movement, the audit was initiated to uncover positive, overlooked aspects of such groups that would bolster their image. But, the audit instead found a serious downward trend in the popularity of the movement and its members. Hate group members were also found to be plagued by insecurity, body image issues and cognitive deficits, leading to the inevitable conclusion there is nothing supreme about white supremacists groups. 

Adolph Gobblegoring

Adolph Gobbelgoring, acting Fuehrer of the Kentucky League of Aryan Protectors (KLAP) found the audit to be troubling. “With the election of Donald Trump we thought the movement would really take off. And, it did in a lot of ways. We had a big show in Charlottesville, a couple of hundred tiki torches strong and the President deeming us “good people.” But then that asshole, ran over Heather Heyer and killed her. It’s this kind of lack of discipline that always sets us back. Same with this Umbrella Man in Minneapolis from the Aryan Cowboys. Minneapolis was all set to blow up on its own, but those inbred Cowboys went and fucked it up. In the best of times we’re a hard sell. This is a PR nightmare for us.” 

One of the surprising findings of the audit was people who are attracted to such movements do so not because they feel superior to anybody, but rather out of insecurity. Those who join hate groups typically have few friends or intimate relationships. Coupled with poor media literacy they are susceptible to messages of these hate groups. 

Clem Himmlerhausen, chief recruiter at KLAP, said, “Well, I wasn’t really surprised by what the audit found. I mean, it’s not like these dumb fuckers can make up for their small penises or being as smart as a bag of hammers like some middle management asshole who can go and buy a candyapple red Mustang and drive around listening to Coldplay like they’re cool or something. Those options are not available to our members. All our members have in their pathetic lives is a giant reserve of white grievance and a bounty minorities to apply it to.”

Himmlerhausen also said even with all these minority dogs to kick around, some have trouble fully committing. “They look in the mirror and what they see back might leave them feeling disillusioned. Like they’re a bunch of fucktards that aren’t better than anybody. So, if we want this movement to go forward, we have to help these assholes push past these ambivalent feelings and tap into white pride and white grievance. With the assistance of hate mongers like Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson we can accomplish those goals—did you hear Tucker call that chink who lost her legs in Iraq, Tammy Duckworth, a moron? Now, that’s some great stuff.”

Both Gobbelgoring and Himmlerhausen agreed, even if Donald Trump doesn’t win reelection, it’s this kind of hate, and Biden’s black female vice-presidential pick, that will not only sustain the white supremacist movement, but truly make it supreme.  

About P.A. Kane

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