West Seneca, NY—After solicitations from the West Seneca Democratic Party this past fall, local author P.A.Kane was considering a run for one of the many town offices up for grabs. But since then he has been inspired by the rise of Long Island Republican George Santos who recently won a seat in the House of Representatives on the power of his personal history as documented in his resume. Kane is now updating his own resume and is considering a run for Congress and quite possibly the White House in 2024.
While Kane remains the 1.5 millionth most popular Amazon author his life and his accomplishments are considerably more impressive than people generally know. His updated resume revealed a more detailed look at his life.
First, many people are unaware that Kane is the whitest man on the planet, born as a result of an illicit affair between Marvel superhero Thor and Bond actress Britt Ekland. In his teen years while visiting his mother in Sweden, Kane had a brief dalliance with Agnetha Fältskog, the blond singer in Abba. The young couple parted ways when Kane suggested she adopt a more edgy image rather than the wholesome look that she would become famous for in Abba. Kane’s next girlfriend, Debbie Harry would take his advice and transform herself into punk icon and eventual rock and roll hall of famer with her band, Blondie.
Kane was at the sessions for Nirvana’s groundbreaking record “Nevermind,” in the early 1990’s. He helped Kurt Cobain shape the lyrics of the indestructible, Smells Like Teen Spirit. The song sounded a little off to him and he suggested a couple of minor tweaks, including changing the lines:
Here we are with Dwayne the Lush
He’s real stupid but courageous…
To:
Here we are now, entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
While working for Apple in the late 90’s Kane became annoyed with the limitations of his Sony Walkman/Discman and pushed Steve Jobs to invest resources to take advantage of the digitized Mp3 revolution. A couple of years, and a lot of underpaid, abused Chinese workers later, the iPod came on the market. Jobs originally wanted to call it the iBox, but Kane came up with the sleeker and more refined signifier—iPod. A few years removed from the success of the iPod Kane grew tired of the clunkiness of going from his iPod, to his laptop, to his phone and encouraged Jobs to devote even more resources into creating a device that could do all three. In 2007 the iPhone born.
According to his resume here are some of Kane’s other accomplishments:
- Ate fifty-four Mighty Tacos in one sitting.
- Broke up seventy-nine street hockey fights.
- Made his sister Sheila cry every day between the ages of seven and thirteen.
- Was the first person to declare Kanye West a total asshole.
- Struck out Pete Rose twenty-seven times in a row.
- First person to roll his eyes at the sanctimony of Bono.
- Shorted the market in the credit-default crash and made millions.
- Rowed El-Duque through shark infested waters when he escaped Cuba.
- Explained to J-Lo she would never find true love.
- Piloted the Chinook helicopter that didn’t crash in the Bin Laden raid.
- Instructed Brandon Beane to pick Josh Allen at seven in the 2018 draft.
- Continually pleads with Elon Musk to shut the fuck up.
- Once bench pressed 325 lbs forty-seven times.
- Encouraged Neil deGgrasse Tyson to declassify Pluto as a planet.
- Is a generous and giving lover.
These are just a sampling of the outstanding accomplishments and character traits of P.A.Kane, that, of course, are subject to change as we move forward toward the 2024 election cycle.
