Buffalo, N.Y.—This week local author P.A.Kane was taking an early morning hike along a creek bed in Chestnut Ridge Park with a friend and his trusted forty-nine pound canine companion Kaya Francis Bean. As they walked along, taking in the serene scents and sounds of the newly arrived summer, the friend, who was a few steps ahead of the author, snapped a picture of Kane where it appeared as if he was walking on water. Asked by the friend if he got a hot foot back there Kane just looked down at his dry boots and raised his eyebrows.
The friend, who wished not to be identified, was left to conclude that Amazon’s 1.5 millionth ranked author had indeed walked on water.
But his wife of
one-million years, 28 years, Donna and others are calling bullshit. “He spends eighty percent of his time laying on the couch watching clips of Josh Allen on YouTube with his hands down his pants. That guy walked on water?” she asked with a rhetorical bite.
The local author responded with a shrug. My whole life people have been telling me all the things I can’t do: “You can’t finish all that pizza—Boom. Are those wings for anyone? . . . No way you can’t really drink that whole twelve-pack—Not without twelve bourbon chasers . . . But you’re such a dumb fuck, you can’t be a writer—Check the Amazon scoreboard, Karen.
It just goes on and on with these haters. But out in the serenity of nature with my dog I have no limits. I am one with the universe—all the universes.”
In addition to his wife, others are skeptical of Kane’s liquid ambulation. Here’s reactions from some of those people.
Kevin McNamara—P.A.Kane, walk on water? That fat fuck would sink like a Mississippi democrat going for a House seat in 2022.
The Dalai Lama—Ah yes, Mr. P.A.Kane. Consider first, a donkey’s ass. Now think of the buttocks of gnat. In the grand scheme of all existence Mr. P.A.Kane is like a single molecule on the buttocks of a gnat which sits on the ass of a donkey. Mr. P.A.Kane not walk on water.
Josh Allen—Aw man, I love that P.A.Kane guy. He’s a great trash talker and back in the day at South Park High School he did a lot for his 0-8 football team. Like I heard he refused to get high before “all” the games. Not just some of the games, “all” the games. You gotta respect that. As for this walking on water, at this point I don’t see that happening. But if he concentrates in the off-season and maybe works on his mechanics he might get there.
Jen (Aldi’s cashier)—You know he’s really great about keeping the line moving—exchanges his cart quickly and I never have to wait to process his payment. But, ya know his food choices are such an epic fail. All those breakfast sausages that are like eighty percent sugar and those “baked” chips which I suppose have some nutritional value, but c’mon. On top of all that soda he buys. I don’t see that salad dodger drinking water let alone walking on it .