Buffalo, NY—Leon Czolgosz (CHOL-gosh) was not the Ohio native of Polish descent who came to Buffalo and stole all the beer at the Dyngus Day Parade. He didn’t slap the wrong girl with a pussy willow, and he didn’t make off with Zuzanna Dumbrowski’s cabbage soup recipe. Czolgosz was the unrepentant anarchist who assassinated William McKinley at the Pan-American Exposition on September 6, 1901,thus cursing Buffalo and its sports teams.
Czolgosz lost his job as a steelworker at the Cleveland Rolling Mill during the economic Panic of 1893 and joined a radical socialist group known as the Sila Club, where he became interested in anarchism. He was also influenced by the anarchist Emma Goldman, whom he heard speak in Cleveland in May of 1901.
Government injustice, which allowed robber barons to enrich themselves by exploiting the working man, prompted Czolgosz to take action against McKinley.
The assassination, two shots from a revolver to the abdomen, occurred while the president was greeting people in a receiving line at the exposition’s Temple of Music. Czolgosz pleaded guilty at trial, which began on September 23rd in Buffalo and lasted two days. The jury came back with a guilty verdict in less than thirty minutes, and he was executed at the state penitentiary in Auburn, NY, on October 29th, 1901.
His final words were: “I killed the President because he was the enemy of the good people—the good working people. I am not sorry for my crime.” Then, his eyes bugged out for a moment, and in a prescient afterthought, he added, “Fuck the Bills…and the Sabres too.”
The Bills are off to a fast start again, with Josh Allen playing at an MVP level. The Sabers have looked good in their preseason outings as well, with Noah Ostlund assuming the role of Alex Tuch, who left the team via free agency. Yet, like goldfish, whom Ted Lasso says are the happiest creatures on the planet because they have a memory that lasts ten seconds, the people of Buffalo are nauseatingly convinced once again that this is their year despite the curse.
Buffalo Mud caught up with a few Western New Yorkers to get their thoughts on the Czolgosz curse:
Cami Clune—singer-songwriter-primary anthem singer for the Buffalo Sabres. Cami broke into song:
O Canada
Our home and native land
True patriot love in all of us command
I’m sooo goddamn hot
And Doug Allen is a big bald twat
Don’t even think about taking MY job
You COVID-denying knob…
Kevin McNamara—mixologist and Olympic floater. Throwing back tequila shots and sipping a Blue Light, he said, “As a world-class athlete myself, I don’t believe in any of this curse nonsense. You stick to your training regimen and trust the process. That’s what makes champions like me.”
Donna Kane—artist and wife of Amazon’s 1.5 millionth-ranked most popular author, P.A.Kane. She said, “I’m not sure about all this Czolgosz business, but I do know about curses. I’ve been with a man for a million years; thirty-plus years, and in spite of my constant, constant Karen-like nagging, I can never get him to take off his dirty fucking shoes when he comes in the house or put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. This is my cross to bear and my curse. Thankfully, I’ve learned to make all his thoughtless bullshit go away with a good healing cry…and gummies.”
Frankie Foolong—Service Manager, Buffalo Strive Vending, Starbucks Barista, and Dollar General weekend manager drew from his personal life about curses. “Just like Sherry Solmolotti’s ass cursed me with fifteen fucking years of alimony payments, this city and its sports teams are cursed. Hell, yeah, I believe in curses,” he said.
Nick Langworthy—inconsequential, scardy cat GOP congressman from NY 23 who won’t hold a town hall meeting. “Forget Czolgosz, this curse is Kathy Hochul’s fault. She works for the Chinese government. She has a secret taxpayer-funded slush fund. She has secret environmental mandates and will be seizing your gas stove any day now.
Also, explain how, in the first year of a multi-year super El Niño, New York was somehow colder last winter—I’ll tell you how—Kathy Hochul. This morning, when you were stumbling around in the dark and you stubbed your toe, it wasn’t the twelve-pack of Busch Lites or the pork rinds from last night; it was Kathy fucking Hochul and her policies that have made NY so unaffordable that you have to work for Frankie Foolong at the Dollar General today instead of stretching out on the couch in your double-wide and working off those Busch Lites with a Judge Judy marathon,” Langworthy said.
The Bills are off a 2-0 start and play the L.A. Chargers this Sunday, 1 pm at Highmark Stadium. The Sabres open their season in Columbus against the Blue Jackets on October 1.
