Buffalo—Responding negatively to a Facebook post, Malinda Malinchowski of Kaisertown and Michael McSlappy of South Buffalo have found love and companionship in their mutual hatred of Dave Eggers’ memoir, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which was a New York Times bestseller and a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize.
Sitting in Chaloooski’s coffee shop in Kaisertown, Malinchowski groused, “That book was so ponderous. It was sad that his parents died and he had to raise his brother, but it just went on and on and on. Hello—get a freaking editor. Also, I’m sorry no one showed up to your mom’s funeral, but jeez, Eggers, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Manage your expectations, buckaroo.”
“Yeah, and that McSweeny’s satire site he runs or founded or whatever the fuck—tell me, how is that funny?” McSlappy said, befuddled. “Bunch of pretentious, beret-wearing twats from Harvard laughing at their own jokes.”
But the attraction between Malinchowski and McSlappy wasn’t limited to just despising the Eggers or his book. They shared a hatred of numerous things: White Claws, pugs, and people who say: Be the change you want to see, and more.
“White Claws, I mean, what the fuck,” Malinchowski scoffed. “What prissy asshole thought that up? Let’s mix almost zero alcohol with some soda and sell it to wanna be posers as a style fucking thing. You know who’s cool? The person who thought up whiskey and those Hayburners they sell around here. They’re like 10% alcohol and knock you on your ass.”
Nodding, McSlappy continued, “You know what else sucks—Pugs. They’re little garbage dogs with pushed-in faces and stubby legs. I walk faster than they can run. And what’s with the way they bark? They sound like my grandma when she wakes up in the morning, all phlegmy and out of breath—gross. No offense, Grandma, but forty years of Lucky Strikes did a number on the way you sound, and that baseball mitt of a face you have.”
Malinchowski then imitated McSlappy’s phlegmy grandmother, and they both laughed. “Your Grandma is so gross, babe. But I bet you never heard: Be the change you want to see, coming out of her baseball mitt piehole. When I hear people say that, I wanna choke them out. That’s the change I want to see—them gone from his earth. How about instead of pithy little phrases, you just keep quiet and not be an asshole. Eeezee peezee, right, shitbags?”
Smiling at Malinchowski, a cooing McSlappy says, “You know that stupid song by Whitney Houston— ‘The Greatest Love of All,‘ where she sings about children being our future and the greatest love is with yourself? Well, first off, have you seen today’s little fucking Bluey watching mutant children? They’re all whiny and entitled with their juice boxes, veggie stix,’ and little devices. If they’re the future, let’s get on with it, and say adios to planet Earth. And that second part about the greatest love being with yourself? Don’t get me wrong, I like a good wank as much as the next guy, but the greatest love is not with yourself, or someone with the same values and interests. The greatest love is with someone who hates the same shit as you. Right, babe?”
“You know it, babe.” Malinchowski then leaned in and kissed her boyfriend.
Content with their shared hatred of books, drinks, kids, and certain dogs, the couple has no plans to take any further steps in their relationship, saying their present status as haters-together is a dream come true.
