Orlando, Florida—For the first time since the end of his presidency Donald Trump returned to the public stage at CPAC in Orlando this past weekend, to once again cry foul over the loss of the 2020 election In addition to speeches from future presidential hopefuls, Cancun Ted Cruz and Hollow Jeff Hawley the gathering showcased a golden calf made in the image of Trump that was so tacky you could almost hear the long dead star of The Ten Commandments—Republican stalwart Charlton Heston howl: “Blasphemers! Idolaters! Insurrectionists! For this you shall drink bitter waters!”
Another sour note at the otherwise triumphant, lib owning event was among conspiracy theorists who are struggling to come up with new bullshit to scare grievance filled white people. Having mined areas that included: corrupt voting machines from Venezuela, Jewish space lasers starting forest fires and a cabal of blood thirsty left wing elites running a giant pedophile ring, the right wing conspiracy machine seems to have temporarily run out of gas.
Jeff Tway, famous for the one where Obama put chemicals in streams to make the frogs gay said, “We haven’t been feeding you the typical Area 51 or Bigfoot stole my picnic basket stuff—we’re talking major outrage here, like Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of children. We play for keeps, but going so big and so hard has led to a bit of burnout.”
Bryce Fingerbottom, who scored a major hit in both outraging and scaring white people with his Bill Gates microchip conspiracy explained before Trump came along they were out in the wilderness with FEMA concentration camps and Sharia law type of stories. It was good stuff, but lacking in sex appeal. Then Trump came along and changed everything.
“At first we weren’t sure about him,” Fingerbottom said. “The Obama birther stuff was kind of low hanging fruit. But when he went after Ted Cruz’s father, saying he killed JFK—wow—just wow—we knew we had our champion.”
Both Tway and Fingerbottom explained Trump ushered in the golden age of conspiracies and compared the wicked pace he set to 1994 Hootie & Blowfish—it was hit after hit after hit. From five million Muslims voted illegally to Obama wiretapping Trump Tower, to wind turbines cause cancer.
The problem now Tway explained, “Democrats seem only to be interested in boring, non-controversial governing issues like distributing the Covid vaccines, raising the minimum wage and addressing climate change. And, yes we can always find some white cancel culture grievances like is happening now with Dr. Suess. But, what we really need is goody-goody AOC to hook up with soon-to-be- divorced Kanye West or Kamala Harris to have an angry black woman moment at the expense of some down cast white woman or Sleepy Joe to really fall asleep in a public setting. We could really start some shit if any of those things happened.
“Or maybe,” Fingerbottom said growing excited— “A cabal of gender neutral left wing radicals, who have been feeding on gay Obama frogs, drink the blood of homeless brown and black people and then go to freedom loving, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, white conservative towns with a plan to slowly inculcate the locals with San Francisco values, a love of Jane Fonda movies and the need for never-ending government assistance while Jewish hackers hovering in spaceships just above the horizon empty all the weakened patriots bank accounts.”
They didn’t have to say it, Tway and Fingerbottom just looked at each other and knew they had their mojo back.