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National

Tea Party Budget Hawks Have Other Shit To Do Now

July 21, 2020July 21, 2020

Erie, Pa.—The headline made me sick to my stomach—especially with a Republican heading the goverment: “US Budget Deficit Shatters Record. “ How had we taken our eye off the ball? …

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National

President Trump Seeks Advice On School Reopening From Mr. Kotter

July 16, 2020July 17, 2020

Washington D.C.—This past week President Trump retweeted a post from game show host Chuck Woolery saying the media, the Democrats and the CDC are lying about Covid 19 to block …

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National

Native American Protesters Told To “Go Home” By Trump Supporters At Fourth of July Celebration

July 5, 2020July 6, 2020

Mount Rushmore, South Dakota—Ahead of a campaign style celebration at Mount Rushmore this past Fourth of July weekend supporters of President Trump called on protesting Native Americans of the Sioux …

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National

Ivanka Quietly Looking For A Girlfriend Ahead Of November Elections

May 28, 2020May 29, 2020

Washington, D.C.—First daughter Ivanka Trump is quietly looking for a girlfriend ahead of the November elections. With the United States experiencing the world’s highest infection and death rate as a …

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National

Local Author Thinking Outside The Box Just Like President Trump

April 24, 2020April 25, 2020

Buffalo, N.Y.—On Thursday medical officials and Reckitt Benckiser, the United Kingdom-based owner of Lysol rebuffed President Trump for suggesting that household disinfectant products could be used to clean the lungs …

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National

ShamWow Guy To Make Appearance At Trump Press Briefing

April 2, 2020April 2, 2020

Washington D.C.— Inside sources say later this week President Trump will have the ShamWow pitchman, Vince Shlomi make an appearance at his daily press briefing to demonstrate how to effectively …

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National

Holy Fuck, Someone Married Stephen Miller

February 18, 2020February 19, 2020

Washington, D.C.—Monday morning the world was stunned to learn Trump Senior Advisor and White Supremacist, Stephen Miller found an actual woman to marry him. Miller’s new wife, Katie Waldman, was …

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National

The Price Of War

December 20, 2019December 20, 2019

United States, America— The price of war is something most people will never comprehend. The human toll cannot truly be conveyed by fleeting images on the six o’clock news. Sure, …

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National

Bulletproof Apparel: It’s Sensible And It Looks Good Too…

August 29, 2019August 30, 2019

United States, America—With the new school year (aka the shooting season) ramping up parents are not only buying pencils and rulers, but the latest bulletproof apparel. As mass shootings continue …

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National

Study Finds AR15 Owners Have Highest Prevalence Of Micro-Penises

August 23, 2019August 23, 2019

Wheeling, WV—A wide-ranging study conducted by Schlong University found that military style, AR15 gun owners have the highest prevalence of micro-penises in the country. Lead researcher Dr. Christopher Hoggsealt said …

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