Capitol Breach Produces Ultimate Humiliation: Canada And France Feel Sorry For United States


United States, America—We’ve all made jokes about hockey and doughnuts and the “Maginot Line” being little more than a Nazi speedbump on the way to Paris at the start of World War II. But now, after a bunch of media illiterate, white knot heads stormed the Capitol Building at the behest of Donald Trump last week leaders from Canada and France not only expressed sorrow for democracy, but in an ultimate humiliation also seemed to indicate they felt sorry for the once mighty United States. 

Sporting a normal skin tone and rugged facial hair Canada’s Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau spoke in somber terms about the breach. He also lectured about the fragility of democracy and it’s here, though not explicitly stated, you could sense his despair as he let us know that we sucked and we’re falling short of who we used to be. If this was a human to human relationship, one could see Trudeau standing outside of Tim Horton’s with his cruller and hot chocolate, saying something like: “I feel bad , eh. But I have to leave you behind. I’ve outgrown you and sadly, you’re just not good enough for me.”  

Even more disturbing is the the shock from four foot tall French Prime Minister Emmanuel Marcon, who spoke as if he just watched some dumb super hero movie and Iron Man really got killed. In a little squeaky voice tinged with sadness he said, “We believe in the strength of our democracies. We believe in the strength of American democracy.” But it was evident that Marcon who once kissed and held hands with Donald Trump was clearly shaken and full of pity. The look on his face was that of a man who learned the big brother he once idolized had an extensive “My Little Pony” card collection.


Community reaction was mixed:

Millie Altoona of Amherst said: “That Justin Trudeau is really cute. I’d let him take pity on me anytime.

Bob O’Shaughnessy of South Buffalo struck a combative tone: “Fuck those assholes. Stop the steal. I’ll drown both those Frenchie’s, Trudeau and Macron in a bucket of poutine.”

Jean Ladderback of Allentown agreed with the Prime Ministers: “I get it. There’s a lot to feel sorry about in America. Not only is one-third of the population suffering from cognitive dissonance, but did you see how these losers dressed for their little revolution. Such tacky cos play.  They can’t even do that right.”

Michael Orinoid of Buffalo said: “NOOOOooooo. Those Canadians already come down here to Sabres games all empowered with their universal health care and free college and now this? Of all the things that didn’t Make America Great Again this has got to be the worst. Well, how bout this—we still got more nukes bitches. Stick that up your Yukon territory.”

Both Trudeau and Macron hope the inauguration of Joe Biden will help restore their confidence in the United States.  

About P.A. Kane

Writer and payer of tuition.

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