Buffalo, NY—The misplaced ass of M.Purtil Plumbing Office Manager, Jack Conrad, has been found. The ass had been missing since St Patrick’s Day when Conrad woke up without it. Despite returning to all the places where he might have lost it and searching his home, car and office, the ass was nowhere to be found and has remained missing for the last two weeks.
Several people have come forward with counterfeit asses hoping to collect the reward offered through social media, but none of the asses had Conrad’s signature creamy white texture offset by areas of blotchy red depressions, gross tufts of hair and were therefore, deemed inauthentic.
Finally, on Good Friday morning, Conrad’s daughter came forward with the missing ass. For the previous two-weeks she had hidden it in the crawl space under the front porch in an old Wegmans bag labeled “Dad’s Stinky Ass.” She said she took the ass because given the back to back holidays of St.Patrick’s Day and Easter Sunday, where her father consumes copious amounts of corned beef and cabbage and then broccoli and cheese omelets she wasn’t sure she could live through another year of his vapor storm. “The toxic quotient is just unbearable,” Conrad’s daughter said. “If the military could weaponize what comes out of his backside, war would be ended and there would be peace on earth.”
Conrad’s daughter explained further, that she returned the ass because she was tired of seeing him mope around the house like he had lost his best friend and she also needed the reward money to go drinking this weekend.
The elder Conrad was overjoyed to have his ass returned and has scheduled ass reattachment surgery with Dr. Seymour Hiney later in the month. Recovery time is expected to be two weeks with four weeks outpatient physical therapy.
Conrad is looking forward to summer at Caz Golf Course, where after playing nine, he can drink some Genny Lites, talk shit to the Trumpers and just kick back on his glorious ass.