Some said Kane had become an ascetic monk. Others conjectured he was obsessed with Dolly Parton collectibles. Many said he was blocked and couldn’t turn over a story about a guy ruining a dinner party with a giant shit anymore. Or he no longer had the wherewithal to investigate the shocking amount of Monte Carlos in an Alden trailer park. And finally some said he lost perspective and didn’t have the insight to profile a renaissance man like Jesse Nolan and his never ending fashion statements. 

While the enigmatic author remained cryptic about the previous shutdown, this hiatus will find Kane engaged in an exciting new project—a travel blog called: Going Mobile With P.A.Kane.

The 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author and his wife of nearly one-million years, three decades, Donna are heading out on the road to see and explore the U.S.A in their fully equipped Ram Promaster van. This first van life expedition will find them in such places as the South Dakota Badlands, the Grand Tetons in Wyoming and the Colorado Rockies, plus many others. This fall, instead of reporting on the failed congressional bid of Hitler enthusiast Carl Palidino—guess Western New York it isn’t Carl Country—Kane will posting daily updates from the road highlighting the beauty, grandeur and the indomitable spirit of the American people—hopefully without getting his liberal ass shot. 

“It’s a dream come true,” Kane said. “Ever since I read “On The Road” as a young man I’ve wanted to see America from a speeding vehicle. I hope this will be the first of many trips throughout the U.S., Canada and beyond. I should note, in “On The Road,” Kerouac never went to Canada even though he was of French-Canadian heritage. He went all over the U.S. and Mexico, but not Canada. Kerouac probably didn’t go to the great white north for the same reason I’m a little hesitant—bears. I know, Canadiens are gentle, peace loving people, but they have bears—like everywhere. There’s more fucking bears in Canada than jelly doughnuts and it’s a little unnerving for a slow footed white man such as myself.”

Please join bear repellent equipped author P.A. Kane as he goes mobile across America. You can link to his new travel blog here or on the side panel of this site. And look for the return of Buffalo Mud in the near future. Thank you for the continued support.

Also, don’t forget to make the toast and tea. 

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Buffalo, NY—As Buffalo Mud reestablishes its web presence after going dark for several months it conducted a short survey with readers asking what stories they most wanted to hear about going forward. As always, there was great interest in Amazon’s 1.5 millionth ranked author, P.A.Kane. There also was a clamor for stories about crybaby white people whose freedom is imperiled by a life saving vaccine, Donald Trump’s mutant penis and and everyone’s favorite South Buffalonian—Jack Conrad. While there was a great desire for more stories about Conrad and his missing ass, his encounters with Grub hub drivers and women leery of becoming Facebook friends with him, there was a preference to have these encounters at a distance.

Though the South Buffalo legend can be loud and boorish, he does have a bit of self-awareness and was surprised as anyone people were clamoring for him- see below. And while people overwhelmingly wanted to know what he was up to, it was apparent they desired this information in the abstract. They wanted to hear a second hand story about Jack pontificating at the bar rail on his pitching exploits at South Park High School in the 1980’s. They would be thrilled to be in their car and see him chiding his neighbor about snow blowing “like an asshole” on a cold winter day. And they wanted to be fly on the wall at the Brick Oven Bistro as he gets some facts about single payer healthcare wrong, but wins the argument because he is louder, more passionate than his counterpart. 

Here’s a smattering of survey responses from Buffalo Mud readers regarding the legend that is Jack Conrad. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Nolan Zuchoid– This stupid rag endlessly focuses on local author P.A. Kane and his self-indulgent, shit for brains books. Waaa—you went bald when you were twenty. Get over yourself you narcissistic tosser. We need more stories about edgy, interesting people like Jack Conrad, who blows shit up every time he opens his mouth. I don’t necessarily want to be in his presence, but I’d to hear about his over the top shit-talking second hand.

Morgan Ala-Marita– I’d like more Jack Conrad profiles. He’s a sweet guy with a good heart and I’m always pulling for him. Further personal growth on his part would mean I might be able to come out from the shadows and rescind the restraining order I had put in place against him in the 90’s. That would be great for the both of us.  

Pistachio Ferry– You know since I became a twelve-stepper I can’t really hang with Jack anymore, but I love living vicariously through him and thinking about all the good times we had at the Stone Bridge in Caz Park. I also like to think about how we’re so not gay straight because we never actually kissed on the Stone Bridge. We did some other things—wink wink—but we never kissed.

Curtimo Keuin– I love Jack Conrad, but whenever I’m around him I end up on a three day bender and question all of my life choices. I also always end up smelling like a bag of dirty laundry. So, to keep the Jack Conrad demons at bay I’ve taken to carrying a pocket full of Tide Pods around with me, which I almost never ingest. Okay, so I do a few Tide Pods here and there but they never take me to that dark Jack Conrad place and I’m always one cycle away from fresh boxers and clean socks.

Look for more Jack Conrad in the coming issues of Buffalo Mud.

The post Survey Reveals Everybody Wants More Jack Conrad- But Mostly From A Distance appeared first on buffalomud.com.

But, to quote an ancient Zen master: “Shit happens.” So, to mark some of the shit that happened, we put together a retrospective of our favorite Buffalo Mud stories of 2019.

Thank you for the support. Continued health, happiness and more Patriot’s losses in 2020- Go Bills!!!

• In the new “me too” frontier, we started the year helping three, out of touch privileged white men cleanse their tawdry crude souls, ahead of their forty-year reunion.

• Nearly Forty Years Later Three Yearbook Staffers Express Regret At Page Of Asses

• We had some fun with congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez supposed tax on the air we breathe.

• Phony Leftist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez To Propose User Fee On Air

• We covered the implications of the Rob Gronkowski retirement from the New England Patriots in March of 2019.

• Gronk Steps Away From Football Saying: “I’m Tired Of Owning The Bills”

• “Local Author,” P.A.Kane had a banner year in everything except book sales.

• Local Author Faces Shakedown Over Baywatch Reel

• Erie County Comptroller, Stefan Mychajliw (Mychajliw– pronounced: Opportunitstfuckingasshole)used the county’s whistleblower hotline not to to appeal to the fear and resentments of low information voters, but to really root out undocumented workers applying for driver licenses. The move seems to have backfired on him.

• Mychajliw’s Hotline Received Two-Hundred-Forty-One Calls Regarding Howard Stern’s Penis  

• Senior Mud Contributor, David P. Zach, when he wasn’t running down a thousand loose ends as Kanye West’s fixer, he was providing biting social commentary on today’s hottest issues that attempted to point out why he is better than the rest of us.

• I Am A Handsome Stable Genius

• At the end of the summer local drummer Ron Leisten found himself in the center of a controversy that demoted him from “Bad Ronald,” to “Just Ronald.”

• Movement To Demote Local Drummer “Bad Ronald” To “Just Ronald” Growing

• Local author P.A. Kane was very close to supplementing his income as the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author with a gig at Spectrum News. If only he was a little more handsome.

• Local Author “Almost” Handsome Enough To Be Spectrum News Anchor

• Besides being cutting edge satire, Buffalo Mud is known for being on top of current social trends. The “man purse,” sort of became a thing in 2019.

• Speculation Abounds About Retired Teacher’s Man Purse

• Nothing warms our hearts at Buffalo Mud like the people of Western New York settling their differences through civil discourse and maybe a drink at Molly McGuire’s.

• Ambiguous Door Leads To Verbal Exchange Between Grubhub Driver And Customer

Thank you again for your continued support.

The post Buffalo Mud: The Best Of 2019 appeared first on buffalomud.com.

In the wake of Kanye’s rambling, non-sequitur laden performance with President Trump in the Oval Office, where the pop star called on Apple to build a hydrogen powered Air Force One, the fixer did follow ups all through MAGA country portraying Kayne, to adoring Red Hats, as a visionary and a genius, which produced a 4% bump in sales of his catalogue. Conversely, on the coasts in non-MAGA country, Zach was in hot negotiations with drug makers at Forest Laboratories for Kanye to rep the anti-depressant Lexapro.

For years, around the Mud offices Zach himself, has rambled on about being a direct descendent of the wizard Gandalf from the Hobbit trilogy and has annoyed staff members by endlessly talking about elves, Sauron, Narya and all kinds of other middle earth bullshit. Given his recent elevation of the Kanye brand, Zach had become insufferable, showing up at the Mud offices with a staff and dressed in linens. He also has made everyone at the office uncomfortable with his overuse of words like: succor, supplication, and salve.

To restore office confidence and to put this Gandalf business to rest once and for all, the Mud management team paid for DNA testing of Zach. Test results indicated zero correlation between Zach and Gandalf because “Gandalf, middle earth and all things Hobbit are fictional bullshit for boys who can’t get girls.” The testing did reveal Zach to have deep roots to the poorest, most inbred hill people of Albania who migrated to the U.S. in the early 1800’s and began to follow Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism.

Generations of Zach’s family migrated with the Mormons eventually settling in Utah and test results indicate a relationship to the famous Osmond entertainment family and specifically—Marie Osmond.

To be sure Zach is hairier and has those pouty I need love, lips and eyes, but otherwise the similarities are undeniable, especially with Marie Osmond. Both Marie and Zach have struggled with weight issues, both feel overshadowed by strong men—Marie-her brothers—Zach-Buffalo Mud founder-P.A.Kane—both have storied relationship issues and have confronted depression issues.

Stunned with the results, Zach has mostly sat his desk in a near catatonic state for the last several days while staff members moving around the Buffalo Mud offices, with a certain spring in their step,  have been quietly humming Paper Roses

.

The post DNA Test Links Senior Mud Contributor To Marie Osmond appeared first on buffalomud.com.

perpetrated by the dishonest media.

“I can tell you this,” Trump said, “the news media are the most disgusting and dishonest people in the world and believe me, the Bills didn’t lose any of those Super Bowls—it’s all fake news.”

Speculation as to why Trump has made such a bold statements despite mountains of contrary evidence, especially prevalent in collective inferiority complexes of damaged Buffalonians everywhere, focused on some of the President’s current problems and the need for him to change the subject. Some of the issues facing Trump are: the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh remains in doubt as the result as sexual assault allegations, he faces a  challenging election cycle with the potential of the opposition party taking back both houses of congress, and most calamitous is the accusation by a porn star, who he didn’t have sex with, yet paid $130K, that the President has a tiny mushroom dick.

Reactions across the city have been mixed. Along Hertel Avenue in North Buffalo the mood is celebratory. Restaurants are offering Bills specials and storefronts are displaying new tees, totes and hoodies declaring: “Buffalo Bills Super Bowl Champs 1990-1994.” Along culturally diverse Grant Street on the West Side people are confused since the football champions in those years was Germany and Brazil. The response from Jefferson Avenue on the East has been pointedly blunt: “Fuck Donald Mushroom Dick Trump.” And, in South Buffalo the bars are packed, lips are being bloodied and cars are being turned over.

The ghost of Art Wander—the Tiny Tot of the Kilowatt—is covering the festivities at Prior Aviation in Cheektowaga where thousands of Bills fans have gathered to meet a chartered flight with nonexistent players that will never land. Mayor Byron Brown has not returned any of the forty-one calls from former Mayor Tony Masciello who wants to hold a four day rally at Niagara Square and parades along Delaware Avenue.

Buffalo Mud will continue to cover these events as they don’t happen.

The post President Trump Declares Four Bills Super Bowl Losses Fake News appeared first on buffalomud.com.

“The idea,” Kane said, “is to draw members of Facebook and Twitter groups to my website by inserting pithy, little group specific stories into their feeds. For example, there are a million pro and con Donald Trump groups, and both would be delighted and entertained with a facetious yarn titled: Donald Trump To Host 2017 Spelling Bee, where he can tell you this: “there will be ratings the likes of which the world has never seen” and how, “no one will want to miss Trump telling some sniveling little Asian kid, they’re a LOSER when they can’t spell, gesellschaft or feldenkraisr.” Once at the site they’ll read other delightful and entertaining stories, give me a Like, Share or Retweet, and eventually come to the conclusion they can’t live without my novel.”

Online marketing genius Seth Godin reacted to Kane’s strategy by rolling his eyes and saying, “I don’t think this plan dignifies a response.”

Kane, a long time Replacements enthusiast , plans to solicit the band’s fansites. Asked for comment, frontman Paul Westerberg said, “Fuck that bald asshole, Kane.”

Productivity expert Bill Womeldorf was a little more upbeat, “Look, this is a bad idea. Kane needs to do a self inventory, maybe journal a bit, create some priority lists and really dig into who he is while figuring out his skill set. Hopefully, he’ll come to understand his readily apparent limitations and seek out employment as a Walmart greeter or selling flowers on street corners. That way he can at least make a poor to modest living.

Faced with this stinging criticism Kane responded with a laugh and said, “You’ll see, when I electrify C-SPAN’s, Book TV during my month long run. Everybody will be tripping over themselves walking these comments back.”      

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