Buffalo, NY—As Buffalo Mud reestablishes its web presence after going dark for several months it conducted a short survey with readers asking what stories they most wanted to hear about going forward. As always, there was great interest in Amazon’s 1.5 millionth ranked author, P.A.Kane, crybaby white people whose freedom is imperiled by a life saving vaccine, Donald Trump’s mutant penis, annoyed NRA staffers called into work after mass shootings and everyone’s favorite South Buffalonian—Jack Conrad. While there was a great desire for more stories about Conrad and his missing ass, his encounters with Grub hub drivers and women leery of becoming Facebook friends with him, there was a preference to have these encounters at a distance.
Though the South Buffalo legend can be loud and boorish, he does have a bit of self-awareness and was surprised as anyone people were clamoring for him- see below. And while people overwhelmingly wanted to know what he was up to it was apparent they desired this information in the abstract. They wanted to hear a second hand story about Jack pontificating at the bar rail on his pitching exploits at South Park High School in the 1980’s. They would be thrilled to be in their car and see him chiding his neighbor about snow blowing “like an asshole” on a cold winter day. And they wanted to be fly on the wall at the Brick Oven Bistro as he gets some facts about single payer healthcare wrong, but wins the argument because he is louder, more passionate than his counterpart and because any Republican plan, if such a plan even exists, would be geared toward rich white people, not the poor aggrieved white suckers that vote for them.
Here’s a smattering of survey responses from Buffalo Mud readers regarding the legend that is Jack Conrad. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Nolan Zuchoid– This stupid rag endlessly focuses on local author P.A. Kane and his self-indulgent, shit for brains books. Waaa—you went bald when you were twenty. Get over yourself you narcissistic tosser. We need more stories about edgy, interesting people like Jack Conrad, who blow shit up when they talk. I don’t necessarily want to be in his presence, but I do want to hear about his over the top bombast.
Morgan Ala-Marita– I’d like more Jack Conrad profiles. He’s a sweet guy with a good heart and I’m always pulling for him. Further personal growth on his part would mean I might be able to come out from the shadows and rescind the restraining order I had put in place against him in the 90’s. That would be great for the both of us.
Pistachio Ferry– You know since I became a twelve-stepper I can’t really hang with Jack anymore, but I love living vicariously through him and thinking about all the good times we had at the Stone Bridge in Caz Park and how we know we’re still straight because we never actually kissed. We did some other things—wink wink—but we never kissed.
Curtimo Keuin– I love Jack Conrad, but every time I’m around him I end up on a three day bender and question all of my life choices. I also always end up smelling like a bag of dirty laundry. So, to keep the Jack Conrad demons at bay I’ve taken to carrying a pocket full of Tide Pods around with me, which I almost never ingest. Okay, so I do a few Tide Pods here and there but they never take me to that dark Jack Conrad place and I’m always one cycle away from fresh boxers and clean socks.
Look for more Jack Conrad in the coming issues of Buffalo Mud.