Buffalo, NY—This week a slew of would-be comedians got the shit slapped out of them by newly empowered bald guys after Will Smith assaulted Chris Rock at the Oscars on Sunday night. Before Smith’s actions the follicly challenged men thought they were just a bunch of assholes whose hair fell out and were unaware that they were suffering from an autoimmune disorder called alopecia.
Many of the men mentioned the negative self-image and lack of confidence they quietly endured as a result of their
hair loss autoimmune disorder. They noted how they had been endlessly ridiculed and humiliated. How they had been shunned by women and overlooked for promotions because of their meaty hairless domes. But, that all ended this week.
Von Stubenshine, an Account Executive with Bacon Solutions Inc. in Kenmore said he felt ten feet taller, especially when he smacked Lenny, his stupid co-worker from three cubes over, after he asked Von for the millionth time if he could borrow his comb. “It felt really good,” said Von. “Time seemed to stand still as the spit flew from Lenny’s mouth after I smacked him. It was like a slow motion replay on TV. I could see that thick, clear fluid turn in the air ever so gingerly, before it went splat on this month’s sales reports.”
Cheektowaga Professional bowler Tony Fezilwax, related that he had been bald since freshman year of high school and asked rhetorically, “Do you know what it’s like to ask a girl if they want to study for Friday’s Algebra quiz, but she can’t answer because she’s so entranced by the specter of your Texas sized forehead? Do you know that fucking humiliation?” Fezilwax said as a result of watching the Oscars he smacked three random people this week when they stared at his Uncle Fester for an undue amount of time and — “it felt so good.” He thanked Will and Jada Pinkett Smith for making him aware of his condition and how to respond to it.
For years salespeople at Uptown Mattress in Black Rock would rub warehouse manager Finn Foilfrock’s bald skull and ask if they would meet their monthly sales goals, like his head was some kind of magic eight-ball. Finn mostly laughed it off, but secretly it really bothered him. And Monday, after viewing the Oscars he came into work and smacked like twenty salespeople in the jaw telling them, “Magic eight-ball predicts pain.” Later, in front of the company’s Human Resources rep a tearful Foilfrock said, “I’m being called on in my life to love people and to protect people and to be a river for my bald brothers and sisters suffering from alopecia. No more will we take this shit from the quaffed and slicked back. My people will stand, fight and slap the shit out of these would-be comedians from this day forward.” It was also later learned that Foilfrock needed a massive adjustment to his meds.
Reports show an upward trend throughout Western New York of jokesters getting the shit slapped out of them by pergo headed people. Local officials are monitoring the situation closely.