Buffalo, NY—The foundation of most relationships are built on common interests—on things couples mutually love. But the connection between Kaisertown residents, Lenny Lewendowski and Lisa Larado has been molded, shaped and supported on a shared hatred of the everyday dumb shit they confront in life. Of course, there are neutral things they both love: ice cream sandwiches, dogs, Frank’s Hot Sauce, New Order, but the glue that binds them together like a thousand year old brick and mortar monolith is contempt and hostility.
To draw the ire of the hateful couple one needs to look no further than a place that serves trendy food and drink. While Lewandowski nodded with the moon in his eyes, Larado ranted, “Go into any coffee shop, whether it’s Spot or Timmy Ho’s and you see all these assholes with their avocado toast and their fucking cold brews. I can’t think of a worse way to dress up a piece of rye toast than with that shitty green paste. Butter people, butter goes on toast—tried and true for generations. And, cold brews? Really? Who’s the schmuck that said: You know what would be cool, let’s turn the world’s greatest hot drink into an abomination by serving it cold. You want a cold drink, get a bottle of water, have a beer, but don’t put ice in coffee.”
Another thing that bonds the prickly couple is a distaste for earnestness, whether it’s a movie like Rudy or people like Oprah and Matthew McConaughey. It was Larado’s turn now to be filled with the look of love as her partner, Lenny went off, “We live in this bullshit meme filled culture where everyone tells you to be grateful, that you can overcome all the odds. It’s nonsense—Hey Rudy, rather than put up with the humiliation of being endlessly overlooked to get in on a fucking kickoff and a one defensive play at the end of meaningless game, you should have done something positive during those years like learn to play the piano or volunteer at homeless shelter you dumb fuckin mutant.
And who’s a bigger phony than Oprah, with her live your best life bullshit while she eats her avocado toast, not on rye but pumpernickel or some shit and you know she sleeps on a bed made of hundred dollar bills. She has all this affect in her voice like she’s the Queen of England ( now there’s some assholes—the Royal Family) as she spews these platitudes: Move on from the past. The only day that matters is the day before you or Thank yourself for how far you come. Life hasn’t been easy but you always had the strength to face another day. Fuck off Harpo.
And what’s with this rom-com douche box Matthew McConaughey? All of the sudden he’s this thoughtful, deep thinker? Suck it Matthew McAristotle. The only reason anybody listens to any of your bullshit is because you’re handsome and because you always take off your shirt to show off that dreamy body. Kiss my ass.”
But the real fireworks in the relationship comes when they are lying in bed together—doom scrolling.
“I don’t know what it is, but I just get so turned on when Lenny starts to rail on some grievance filled post by GED Grandma, Lauren Bobert or the propagator of Jewish Space Lasers, Marjorie Taylor Green,” said Larado.
“And I can barely contain myself when Lisa destroys the pasty white-ass of that self-important salad-tosser Elon Musk after reading some of his fascist tweets,” Lenny offered.
From there Lenny and Lisa implied that after these exchanges “ the wand finds its way into the briar patch” or “they do the devil’s dance” or “become the beast with two backs.”
With so many things to hate together the couple sees no end to their love.
