Washington D.C.—This week, Republican House member Marjorie Taylor Green organized a congressional DOGE hearing concerning funding for the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) and National Public Radio (NPR). The Georgia representative opened the hearing by disparaging PBS and NPR as “radical left-wing echo chambers” that published biased news and indoctrinated children with L.G.B.T.Q. programming.
Citing a subpoena, Taylor Green commenced the witness part of the hearing by calling Aaron Rodgers, to defend his long-running woke PBS children’s program, Mr.Rodgers Neighborhood, which taught the un-American values of kindness and empathy. A staffer whispered in her ear that she was mixing up Fred Rogers, the progams’s host and creator who passed in 2003 with NFL Quarterback Aaron Rodgers. Taylor Green shouted down the staffer, saying “fake news,” and referred to abundant visual evidence of the earthy sweater-clad Rodgers hosting the program before issuing a contempt of Congress order for him.
Next, Taylor Green called on seasoned Sesame Street character Big Bird to testify. Her first question to the non-flying, eight-foot-two-inch-tall bright yellow anthropomorphic bird was: “Are you now or have you ever been a member of the communist party?”
Big Bird responded, “I don’t know about all that, but I can ride a unicycle, roller and ice skate, dance, swim, sing, draw and write poetry. Can you write poetry, Representative Taylor Green? Let’s try one together. I’ll start:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Look Marjore Taylor
You have a muppet face too
With that, Representative Taylor angrily pounded her gavel on the desk and then spewed a litany of transgressions committed by Big Bird against the American people, which included teaching children to cope with grief and loss, the importance of learning and curiosity, friendship and kindness, the value of being yourself, acceptance and inclusion and finally patience and cooperation.
“Yes,” the fluffy orange-footed bird said. “I’ve done all those things. I’ve also taught people who are sad, angry, and stupid to be happy and not so stupid with songs. How about we sing a happy song about cooperation, and maybe you won’t be so sad or stupid, Representative Taylor Green.”
Big Bird then broke into this old favorite.
But nobody was less sad or stupid, especially Represenative Taylor Green, and Big Bird was quickly handcuffed and put on a plane to El Salvador, where he was defeathered and beaten.
Representatives from the Trump administration are searching yoga studios, monasteries and darkness retreats for Aaron Rodges to serve him his contempt papers.
Hearings continue tomorrow. Expected to take the witness stand is Cookie Monster. Mr. Monster will have to answer for his lifelong deceit and theft of cookies.
