Key West, Florida—Local author P.A. Kane was at the Speakeasy Inn and Rum Bar sipping a fine twelve-year-old Appelton Estate Jamaican rum when an area one-legged pirate named Silver Teeth Swanson literally hopped up on the bar stool next to him. Kane politely greeted him with an “Afternoon,” but the interaction quickly turned sour.
Silver Teeth looked at him, took off his shades, and with a little bite said, “You’re that guy.”
A bit miffed, Kane responded, “Guy. What guy?”
“The guy riding around down here with those Josh Allen stickers.”
Silver Teeth was referring to Kane’s 2019 Ram Promaster, which he and his wife travel the country in, doing the van-life thing. And he was correct; two stickers of the NFL’s 2024 MVP, Joshua Patrick Allen, are affixed to the rear windows of the Promaster in classic Allen leap mode.
Silver Teeth started to rag on Allen with the same old lame criticisms—overrated, turnover machine, can’t beat the Chiefs, Lamar should have won the MVP.
In the back-and-forth, it was revealed that the Silver Teeth conducted raids on kayakers and jetskiers, and most disturbingly, was a Dolphins fan—that’s when the dunking began. Kane pointed out that in addition to winning the AFC East for the last five years, Allen is 12-2 versus the Dolphins with 37 TDs, 8 INTs, and a QB rating of nearly 110. He added that the front-running Dolphins have won one game in thirty-plus years when the temperature dipped below 23 degrees, their vaunted five-foot QB, Tua Tagovailoa gets concussed combing his hair, their thirty-million-dollar wideout—the NFL’s Nick Cannon—Tyreek Hill had 80 receptions, less than a thousand yards and 6 TDs in 2024. And the team is twelve-million dollars over the cap for 2025.
Silver Teeth grew angrier with each new stat Kane threw at him. But what sent him over the edge was when the 1.5 millionth ranked most popular Amazon author said, “Allen and the Bills bend over the Dolphins almost as much as the boys on the ship bend over your mom.”
Seeing where this was headed the bartender, Jean-Marie, interceded. He pointed to the Speakeasy dance floor and said, “Settle it—there.”
Silver Teeth got down from his bar stool, removed his prosthetic leg, hopped onto the dance floor, taunting Kane as he went, “C’mon you Buffalo bonehead, let’s settle this like real men—on the dance floor with one foot.”
For the next ninety minutes, the two men ganchoed, feather-stepped, and apple-jacked in furious competition that saw them dig deeper than either thought they could. But in the end, just like the Dolphins, Silver Teeth didn’t have enough, and Kane, at great personal expense, pirouetted to victory.
Standing just off the dance floor after the competion with his foot a bloody mess, an exhausted Kane said, “I knew I had him the whole time. There was a moment during that Barry Manilow song when I thought who the fuck is playing this shit, but I set it aside and powered through for myself and the city of Buffalo.
As Silver Teeth exited the Speakeasy in a wheelchair, Kane called to him, “Hey Silver Sucker, I’m going to get my foot fixed, but I’ll see you on your boat later. There’s a lady there I’m going to cha cha with, if you know what I mean.”
Kane was treated at the Lower Keys Medical Center. He was given fluids, and his battered right foot was cleaned, dressed, and x-rayed. There was no structural damage.
