Houston, Texas—Last week, the satirical outlet The Onion won an auction to acquire the conspiracy platform Infowars in Houston bankruptcy court. After the deal was completed, auditors realized that they had overlooked a rickety old shed adjacent to the Infowars studios in the liquidation proceedings. Buffalo Mud, another satirical/fake news outlet, swooped in and obtained the shed with an ironic sixty-nine-cent bid.
The auction and liquidation of Infowars were necessary to satisfy a $1.5 billion judgment against the site’s founder, Alex Jones. Jones peddled the conspiracy theory that the Obama administration staged the 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School as a ploy to enact sweeping gun legislation. Jones also alleged that the families of the victims were complicit in the plot and the slaughtered children and staff were actors and are still alive.
Upon inspection of the shed, Buffalo Mud publisher P.A. Kane found items that you’d expect a conspiracy gasbag like Alex Jones to have—emergency survival gear, tin foil hat designs, brain force drops, and other supplements, Ayn Rand books and lots of files with labels like how they turned the frogs gay, proof of reptilian overlords, Trump’s mushroom dick.
But what really struck Kane and the Buffalo Mud team was the extensive collection of Hustler magazines dating back to the publications inception in the early 1970s. All the best issues featuring spreads by Asia Consent, Jenny Talia, Sigourney Beaver, Tasha Salad, and a curiously worn copy highlighting Amanda Pörq. And the articles: “How Much Waxing of the Carrott is Too Much?” “ STDs You Can Live With,” “Why She’d Rather Watch Hockey Than Fuck You.”
Kane immediately posted pictures of items on Facebook marketplace, where they were to be sold to the highest bidder, with the proceeds benefiting the Sandy Hook Relief Fund.
However, as Kane exited the shed after posting the items, from a hole in the ground some fifty yards from the structure, a dirty and shirtless Alex Jones charged him, screaming, “NOT MY HUSTLERS, YOU ELITIST DEMON SPAWN. NOT MY AMADA PÖRQ.”
Skilled in karate, Kane quickly neutralized the disgraced conspiracy theorist and contacted the authorities. EMTs administered a shut-the-fuck-up tranquilizer to Jones and took him away. At last report, he had been admitted to a Houston hospital where he was twitching and shaking and occasionally yelling out: “PÖRQ…I NEED AMANDA PÖRQ…I NEED AMANDA PÖRQ…PÖRQ…”
Look for liquidated items on the Facebook marketplace.
