Buffalo, NY—Noting the recent harmony in their relationship, Donna Kane, the longtime wife of local author P.A. Kane came to the stunning conclusion that she is no longer attracted to her husband. As much as she appreciates his efforts to find common ground and get their marriage to an equitable place she just isn’t into him in a physical kind of way anymore.
“It’s a shame. We’ve been together for a million years, twenty-nine years and we’ve finally done the hard work where we can be totally open and honest with each other. That would be really exciting, but I just look at him and feel nothing,” said Mrs. Kane. “Well, that’s not exactly true. I look at him and want to attach a giant sail to his ass and float across the ocean on his body like I’m Captain Ahab.”
As a result of inactivity during the pandemic the 1.5 millionth ranked Amazon author put on weight, reducing his curb appeal—which at this point is that of an Ohio Street grain elevator. “Yeah, I put on a few,” Kane said. “But it’s just a measure of my commitment to my wife and our marriage. For instance, Friday night is typically pizza night at our house. Both my son and I have a couple of slices and Donna has a single slice. Sometimes I see her looking longingly at a second slice and being the great, magnanimous husband that I am, I swoop in and finish off the pie, thus saving her from herself. Not every husband would do that for his wife, but I’m just a really giving guy.”
Mrs. Kane is most disappointed that after many ups and downs spanning the life of their marriage and years of distance where he sat in a back room watching sports and she sat in the front room watching mysteries, baking shows and other nonsense, that they could come together and share some things. “Yes, it’s been so nice to sit and talk about the TV mysteries we’ve been watching together. Our favorite is “Vera”—she’s such a pip. And the “Great British Bake Off,” which we both just love. The only problem is he runs to Eileen’s on Center Road afterwards for a couple of dozen cupcakes and then goes wild. I worry about his sugar levels…and his eyesight. Can he even see with all that encroaching face meat?”
In the past Mrs. Kane might have vented her concerns to her work friend Renee, but an unlikely ally has emerged, Jason from accounting. Jason is a recently divorced fortysomething who is a blackbelt in karate with an appropriate amount of face meat. “We stop for coffee after work to talk. He’s just been so helpful in untangling my feelings,” she said.
For his part, the local author is unphased by the rejection, noting that even in the best of times the entirety of the female population mostly looked at him with indifference.
