Inspired By Oscar Winner Local Woman Intends To Stop Half-Assing Life


Amherst, NY—Inspired by sixty year old Michelle Yeouh who won her first Oscar this past weekend, Lorraine Lemonlight from Accounts Receivable at Delaware North, is determined to stop half assing her life. Long ago Lemonlight dreamed about being an actress herself or a Princess, but had abandoned those dreams around the age of thirteen when she had her first taste of Boone’s Farm Strawberry wine and spent the night making out with Steve “Sully” Sullivan at Dellwood Park. 

Despite some inelegant phrasing Lemonlight was moved by Yeouh’s acceptance speech for her role in the movie “Everything Everywhere All At Once,” where she told older women: “And, ladies, don’t ever let anyone tell you you are ever past your prime. Never give up!”  

“Yeah,” Lemonlight said. “I let life get away from me. But in my defense, my dad was constantly into the Black Velvet and yelling about shoes in the hallway, screen doors being left open and all kinds of other nonsense. And nothing was ever good enough for my mom—from the way I folded towels to how I chewed my Cheerios. I had to get out of there and most of the time that meant going to the park and having wine and all those delicious Amherst middle-school boys.

Then, all of the sudden, I wake up and I’m graduating high school and taking a job in the mailroom at Delaware North.”

Since she doesn’t have the bone structure of a model and is a little bigger than Yeouh’s size zero, Lemonlight doesn’t think being an actress is plausible. She also isn’t waiting for Prince William to suddenly sack Kate Middleton, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility that she could move from Accounts Receivable to Accounts Payable. “In receivables you have to be kind of an ass kisser, thanking everyone for their remittance and telling them to have a great day. But in payables it’s a different story. You can rip people a new one, complain about their bullshit services and tell them they’ll get their payments when they get them.”

Lemonlight thinks such a change could lead to her being more focused and help her to achieve some new goals. “Who knows where this could go. My friend Renee just became an assistant manager at Transit Lanes and she’s a total badass. She does everything from organizing the senior citizen leagues, to prepping for kids birthday parties to throwing the occasional drunk out into the parking lot—I could so see myself in that kind of role.”

She’ll also get a chance to achieve another goal this summer when the Amherst High School class of 1983 has its 40th reunion. Besides having fun tossing back a few White Claws—Boone’s Farms big brother—and talking to old friends she hopes to find her old make out pal Sully and show him just how far she’s come since those Dellwood Park days. Sully is a FedEx Operations Manager, he has a 401K and five weeks—yes five weeks—of vacation. 

Till then Lemonlight is checking the job postings at Delaware North daily for a spot in Accounts Payables or some other position.