West Seneca, NY—Fala Rubino the owner of a seven-year old gray tabby named Luna and a six-year old calico named Olive went off on his spoiled ungrateful cats after running out of Temptations treats as a result of a shipping delay from Chewy.com due to severe weather across the country last week.
When he first realized he was short on the treats Rubino spoke gently to his little babies and tried to sooth them with other delicacies such as cream cheese and little cut up bits of organic free range chicken soaked in cream cheese. But the privileged cats were not having it. They meowed and scratched at doors, they jumped up on his desk and ran between his legs every time he got up. Finally, after almost tripping over the cats, Rubino lost his temper.
In a rant laced with four lettered expletives he reminded the cats how he removed them from dire circumstances and gave them a home brimming with creature comforts such as endless soft places to sleep, scratching pads, cat towers and light filled rooms where their “sorry asses” could watch the birds dart through the air. He reminded them of the designer food and treats he provided and went so far as to pull out and show the cats a recent invoice from Chewy for $94. But, both Luna and Olive were unimpressed with this rant, which further enraged Rubino.
“I know that look,” he said to the cats. “It’s the same look I gave my father when he was telling me I was “good for nothing” and I would “never amount to anything.” Right? . . . Right?” When the cats remained totally indifferent he continued, ‘Yeah . . . I know that look—blah, blah, blah—shut up dad and just give me the goddamn car keys.’ Well, I won’t shut up,” Rubino said pounding the table which made Luna scoot away.
Rubino started to pace trying to control his anger and soon enough Luna was back zig zagging between his legs, meowing and looking up at him with a face that said, “Where’s my treats asshole?” This threw Rubino into a second rage and caused him to get the portrait his daughter did of Luna and Olive’s predecessor: Tom. Sticking the portrait in his cat’s faces he explained that they found Tom in a dumpster and he was a warrior. That he stayed out all night and killed anything that moved: birds, moles, rabbits, even squirrels. And, that Tom would come running to him, like a dog, when he got home from work and would purr and purr and purr, unlike these ungrateful bastards who just take and take and take.
So mad was Rubino it took his wife a full ten minutes to talk him out of putting the cats outside in the freezing night so they might learn to appreciate the easy life provided for them.
The shipment of treats from Chewy arrived the next morning restoring calm to the Rubino household.
By P.A. Kane
