Area Mental Health Professionals Overwhelmed With Questions About The Bills


Buffalo, New York—With the Covid 19 pandemic building steam for a second wave . . . with unemployment at ten-percent . . . with tensions from racial unrest surging . . . with a high stakes election and American democracy possibly hanging in the balance, mental health professionals throughout Western New York have been overwhelmed this week by a question of even greater importance: Is it safe to go “all in” on the Bills?

Though the Bills are expected to contend for post-season play, Psychiatrist, Dr. Bob Hartley says due to the team being a never-ending source of disappointment the people of Western New York suffer from a collective inferiority complex. The inferiority complex is also a consequence of eight months of winter, a continuing lack of economic opportunity and glory days that refer back to asbestos ridden buildings, lead paint and a sky so fiery red from the production of steel the word hellscape was invented. Hellscape was included in the twenty-eighth edition of the Merriam-Webster dictionary: hellscape [hel-scape] noun. fiery red sky above Bethlehem Steel, Lackawanna, N.Y. (circa 1940’s-83). That double order of five-alarm wings turned my ass is a burning hellscape.

Pinto Ron

Dr. Jennifer Melfi says she has been fielding questions all week about potential Josh Allen tattoos—people are afraid he’ll turn into the next Drew Bledsoe or worse, J.P. Losman and they don’t want the ink of a shitty quarterback mucking up their bodies. Another was wondering how much they should invest in collapsible tables. And the doctor also took several questions from people considering pursuing a sexual relationship with Pinto Ron.

Dr. Hartley and Dr. Malfi, however, said the predominance of questions expressed concern over going “all in” on the Bills.

Dr. Hartley said he spoke at length to the Kaisertown woman who threw her dream stick on the field during a Bills Monday night loss to the Patriots in 2016. She saw the game slipping away and in a fit of anger impulsively threw her beloved Powerman 5000 on the field, which led to months of sleeping around and several STDs, since nobody understood her juicy body like the Powerman understood her juicy body. She’s worried about this or some other impulsive act repeating itself if she goes “all in” on the Bills.  

Powerman 5000

Dr. Malfi spoke with a Snyder man who shot off his mouth in Brunner’s one Sunday in 2008 about the Bills winning the Super Bowl after starting the year 5-1 with Trent Edwards under center as QB. “Louie the Finger,” was in the bar that Sunday and made a large bet with the Snyder man. Needless to say the Bills finished the year 2-7 for a 7-9 record and not only didn’t win the Super Bowl, they didn’t even make the playoffs. From there a series of tragic events ensued for the Snyder man that included: broken legs, bankruptcy and eighteen months in the California State Penitentiary after stalking and then threatening to run Trent Edwards over with his 1988 Suzuki Samurai. While the Snyder man is still in the process of turning his life around he remains concerned about going “all in” on the Bills this year.

And, finally, Dr. Hartley cited a conversation with a man about perspective and focus, even in the face of something terrible like the Bills blowing a 16-0 lead in the wildcard game against the Texans. But this only served to trigger the man . . .  “fucking Josh Allen and his goddamn hero ball” . . . “fucking defense has the Texans 3rd and 18—3rd and fucking 18—and Watson hits Duke Williams for a first down” . . . “and why the fuck did they trade the pick that turned into Patrick Mahomes to the Chiefs?” Dr. Hartley said he had to dip into his emergency supply of Lexapro and Jim Beam to calm the man down.

Both doctors said good mental health is a marathon, not a sprint, especially for fans of the Buffalo Bills.

The Bills start their 60th NFL this Sunday at 1pm in Orchard Park at Bills Stadium against the New York Jets.