Indian Rocks Beach, Fl.—Building sand castles with his parents at Indian Rocks Beach this past Saturday morning preschooler Dylan Claymore of Kenmore took his first steps in understanding the only true fun in life is drinking and getting laid.
His loving parents, Tom and Melissa seizing an opportunity for a teachable moment spent hours erecting a sand castle, which included two towers and a moat. Soon after the castle was completed the weather started to change. Little Dylan hardly noticed the rising intensity of the wind or the waves inching inward along the beach. When the waves started to consume the castle Dylan pleaded with his parents to save the sandy creation, but of course, they were powerless to do so and lil guppy soft brains lost his shit like he was the only kid on the soccer team to not be awarded a participation trophy.
With the first part of the lesson complete, the loving parents moved on to phase two. Melissa moved their blanket and chairs away from the water while Tom filled their beach bucket with numerous loads of wet sand to build a second castle. This time little Dylan was going to build the castle.
Despite needing a drink badly both Tom and Melissa instructed Dylan on how to pack the plastic sand castle molds with wet sand and then discharge the contents by carefully flipping over the plastic mold and tapping the sides. After several demonstrations Dylan excitedly wanted to give it a try.
Right from the start, each time he turned over the mold he was presented with a crumbling pile of mush. Patiently Tom and Melissa walked him through the process several more times with the same result. With each successive failure you could see little Dylan becoming more frustrated and dead inside. When he finally started to kick over the shitty lumps of sand that were supposed to be his castle and again cry they gathered up their things and went back to their hotel room satisfied they had taught their son an excellent lesson about what he could expect from life—shitty clumps of mush.
In the hotel Tom and Melissa sat Dylan down with an iPad while they did several shots of tequila and then closed the bathroom door got it on. When they emerged all happy and calm both of them kissed Dylan on the head, but he barely noticed since he was really caught up in a game of Sushi Monsters. Cracking open a couple of beers and looking at their phones Melissa noted that it was going to get really hot later in the day and maybe they could piss Dylan off by going for a long pointless walk.
Looking up from his phone Tom smiled at Melissa and said, “World’s greatest mother.”
He took her by the hand and walked her back into the bathroom.
