Washington, D.C.—Monday morning the world was stunned to learn Trump Senior Advisor and White Supremacist, Stephen Miller found an actual woman to marry him.
Miller’s new wife, Katie Waldman, was subject to intensive DNA screenings. The results of the screenings revealed Waldman not to be compromised by any Latino or Muslim blood and more shockingly that she is indeed a real live human.
Known for his hard line stands on immigration and as the architect of the Trump administration’s zero-tolerance family separation policy Miller, in a survey conducted by Buffalo Mud, was widely considered the least fucakable man in Washington. Only the frosty Laura Ingraham of FOX News agreed to give Miller a reach around and that was under protest.
But in Waldman, who is Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary, Miller seems to have found a soul mate. She is known to defend the harshest of Trump’s immigration policies and is well versed in the administration’s policies of alternative facts.
A former aide at The Department of Homeland Security she jumped on election year scare tactics in 2018 regarding caravans headed toward the U.S. border telling FOX News: “This caravan is being put together by NGOs and others mainly for media attention. “I mean as I just said we’re seeing caravan size every day at the border. You know we’ve heard reports of these folks getting on buses and then getting off and walking for the cameras. You know they are getting a ton of media attention.”
In 2019 she told CNN: “Asylum seekers are a “violent mob of migrants” that were threatening agents and the border.”
An anonymous source said that Waldman was indeed human and every bit as scary as Miller, it’s just she hasn’t been on the big stage . . . yet.
The wedding took place at the Trump Hotel in Washington and was attended by the President. The only attendee of note who was not too embarrassed to admit being at the event was former Trump Chief-of-Staff and nervous waterbed salesman, Reince Priebus:
Upon learning that Miller and Waldman couldn’t book a honeymoon out of fear that mostly brown resort staff members would rise up against the White Supremacist Power Couple, a contingent of Green New Dealers, including Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Bernie Sanders and Leo DiCaprio, pooled their money to send the newlyweds to Antarctica.
These activists are hoping the icy copulation between Miller and Waldman would result in circumstances strong enough to recreate the continent’s diminishing ice shelf and thus reverse some of the dire effects of climate change.